how secure do you feel?
security is usually an issue in any relationship, whether we base everything on that goal or whether we don’t care about it all. It is difficult to match a couple with the same attitude towards security and this can prove to create difficulties down the line.
When I was young I read Alan Watt’s book ‘The Wisdom of Insecurity’ which was a brilliant read! Alan wrote: ‘What we have forgotten is that thoughts and words are conventions, and that it is fatal to take conventions too seriously.’ Maybe I should stop writing now, while I’m, ahead???
“Security is when everything is settled. When nothing can happen to you. Security is the denial of life.” Germaine Greer
The word security comes from the Latin securus “without care, safe”, from se cura, from se “free from” (secret) + cura “care” (cure). Its meaning “firmly fixed” (of material things) came later, on the notion of “affording grounds for confidence.” Security starts within a person and then extends out to be the experience that can be had in the world & in relationships. If a person is secure in themselves then security is easily found with another person. Basically we can carry our own sense of confidence or inner security around with us, even in the most challenging & disorienting situations & relationships.
“I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.” Billy Connelly
In matching couples it is important that the individuals have a similar attitude to security. If not this can cause many issues & problems in a relationship. What makes some people feel comfortable, may make others feel trapped. I found an interesting BBC article that relating to secure relationships & how that affects a woman’s sex drive Security ‘bad news for sex drive’: A woman’s sex drive begins to plummet once she is in a secure relationship, according to research. The conclusion: “The rational for why a woman’s sex drive declines may be down to supply and demand. If something is in infinite supply, the perceived value would drop.”
“No padlocks, bolts, or bars can secure a maiden better than her own reserve.” Miguel De Cervantes
When we relate, it is given that we share or the relationship breaks down. There are four general categories of types of people and what sharing provides security in a relationship:
- Intellectual security – where sharing ideas, concepts & words provide a sense of security
- Instinctive security – where sharing emotional currents & feelings provide a sense of security
- Intuitive security – where sharing visions, dreams & inspirations provide a sense of security
- Pragmatic security – where sharing practical & material things provide a sense of security
“Security is the chief enemy of mortals.” William Shakespeare
Obviously when we both come from the same base, then it is easy to match with each other, e.g. Intellectual security with Intellectual security. Combinations bring forth an interesting array of ease & challenge as per below:
- Intellectual Security with Intuitive Security can share some values & appreciate each others needs for security as there is a similarity.
- Intellectual Security with Instinctive Security are challenged due to the differences in their needs. If there are other strong foundations in the relationship or if both individuals are secure within themselves then they can learn from each other. However they will tend to devalue their partner’s needs and therefore not pay enough attention to establishing the security.
- Intellectual Security with Pragmatic Security can co-exist but may need help to appreciate each other’s needs for security.
“The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.” Erich Fromm
- Instinctive Security with Intuitive Security also can co-exist but may also need help.
- Instinctive Security with Pragmatic Security can appreciate each other’s needs for security.
- Intuitive Security with Pragmatic Security will also have difficulties unless other parts of the match are strong. It is difficult to appreciate & value each other’s needs for security.
It is important to build trust in relationships & it makes it easier if you have similar needs and understand how to support each other in establishing security together.
“Probably the only place where a man can feel really secure is in a maximum security prison, except for the imminent threat of release.” Germaine Greer
I’ll leave you with a very funny comedian, Jay Malone, who talks about some security issues. Enjoy….
