do romantic movies spill over into our relationships

romantic movies tend to spill over into our relationships and can create unrealistic expectations of others.  The word romance comes from 1300 meaning “story of a hero’s adventures,” “vernacular language of France” (as opposed to Latin), and originates from Old French romanz “verse narrative, the connecting notion is that medieval vernacular tales were usually about chivalric adventure.  We may have lost a sense of adventure when it comes to our relationships and are left now to live this out through Hollywood movies?

“In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes.” Elizabeth Ashley

I read a NY Daily News article Romantic comedies ruin real-life relationships: survey which noted:

One in four Australians said they were now expected to know what their partner was thinking while one in five respondents said it made their partners expect gifts and flowers ‘just because’.  ”Real relationships take work and true love requires more than fireworks.”

“Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.”Unknown

Time’s article Are Romantic Movies Bad For You? acknowledges the problems but also notes a positive aspect:

In the celluloid world of romantic comedies, shy but decent men get the girl, arguments set up sweet reconciliations, and couples separated by tragedy are always reunited through improbable coincidence. But now researchers are beginning to ask whether the make-believe world projected in “rom-coms” might actually be preventing true love in real life.  Last week, researchers at Heriot Watt University’s Family and Personal Relationships Laboratory in Edinburgh, which studies best practices in relationship counseling, completed a study of 40 Hollywood romantic comedies released between 1995-2005. They found that problems typically reported by couples in relationship counseling at their counseling center reflect misconceptions about love and romance depicted in Hollywood films.

The fact that Hollywood sells us an enhanced version of romance should come as no surprise, of course. But does that portrayal reflect a pre-existing expectation that film buffs hold or does it instill it? As part of their research, Dr Holmes’ team had around 130 student volunteers watch the 2001 romantic comedy Serendipity, while another group of the same size watched a David Lynch drama. Viewers of the romantic comedy were found to be more likely to believe in fate and destiny. It was a small study confined to one region, but, Dr Holmes argues, “it does give us some indication of [the effects of romantic comedies].”

Mary-Lou Galician, Head of Media Analysis and Criticism at the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism & Mass Communication at Arizona State University, whose research in the 1990s found similar results to Holmes’ study, says uncovering conscious and subconscious romantic motivation is a difficult process, and the role of movies is uncertain. She points to the vexing debate over the effects of violent movies, which some researchers argue encourage aggression, while “others argue just as persuasively that [simulated violence] provides a safe release for human aggression.”

Not all relationship experts agree. Phillip Hodson, a fellow at the British Association for Counseling and Psychotherapy, says that while romantic comedies can cause problems for couples once they exit the euphoric first few years of a relationship, they also provide a much needed source of hope and inspiration for the unattached. “We need to live by stories that help us deal with tough realities. Idealism has a role to play — it can convince us that no matter how misshapen, decrepit, or dull we are, there is someone out there for us. And you know what? There is! Walk through any shopping mall and you see the most extraordinary pairings,” he says. “We all need hope in our lives. And Hollywood trades on hope.”

“Men always want to be a woman’s first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man’s last romance.”Oscar Wilde

The Daily Mail also has an article Romantic movies like ‘Notting Hill’ are spoiling relationships:

Counsellor Gabrielle Morrissey, who conducted the study, said that 90 minutes of fun in the cinema can ruin life for weeks, months or even years afterwards.   Miss Morrissey said: ‘It seems our love of rom-coms is turning us into a nation of “happy-ever-after addicts” but the warm and fuzzy feeling they provide can adversely influence our view of real relationships.

My take is that we need to bring the spirit of adventure back into our intimate relationships and communicate our needs & thoughts clearly.  Just following these simple remedies, we can still enjoy romantic comedies for some light entertainment whilst growing the intimacy levels in our partnerships.

I’ll leave you with a very funny video about a romantic dinner.  Enjoy…

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