extrovert or introvert matches?

are you an extrovert or an introvert and how do you match with others? This is an important question that needs to be clarified and understood before matching with another person. Carl Jung focused on these two types of personality in his psychological work and these days many people have done the Myers Briggs personality assessment and discovered whether they are classed as an extrovert or introvert. The words themselves come from Latin from extra “outside”, intro “inward” and vertere “to turn”. Briefly an extrovert tends to focus their consciousness on the outer world and introverts tend to focus on their inner world.

Guy Kawasaki posted a comment stating that he was introverted on Twitter this week which sent ripples through the blogging community. Mashable did a poll on extroversion & introversion which you can view here

‘If it weren’t for caffeine I’d have no personality whatsoever!’ Anonymous

There may be scientific reasons related to our brain chemistry explaining why we tend to veer more towards extroversion or introversion?
A University of Iowa study adds to growing evidence that being shy or outgoing may be all in your head. Investigators looking at cerebral blood flow and personality found more conclusive signs of different brain activity in introverts and extroverts.

‘It’s very hard to take yourself too seriously when you look at the world from outer space.’ Thomas K. Mattingly II

There is a quick quiz to identify whether you an introvert or extrovert at BlogThings.

True to my Myers Briggs assessment years ago, I came out as 90% extrovert. It’s a bit of quick fun, so give it a shot if you never identified your focus.

‘The peculiar striations that define someone’s personality are too numerous to know, no matter how close the observer. A person we think we know can suddenly become someone else when previously hidden strands of his character are called to the fore by circumstance.’ Elliot Perlman

Opposites attract is a given, but if you are an extreme version of either of these personality types, then it is important that you don’t match with the other extreme. In fact for a good match with another these two focuses are extremely important to match well. One of the best tools or assessments to help identify the individual’s focus that I have found helpful is astrology. It is clear by looking at the area where the majority of the planets are located in a horoscope. Of course in a relationship chart it is also easy to see how the relationship will focus. Then the individuals can decide whether this is where they want to live their life prompted by the relationship. The thing that is often missed with most assessments & discussions on this subject is that the relationship itself will have a focus as extrovert or introvert and as a result will affect the individuals accordingly. My relationship with my mother as a child and my ex husband in my early twenties threw me into a more introverted state than I am naturally. The relationship chart is invaluable as nothing else exists to highlight this before & during matching a couple.

‘Dreams are postcards from our subconscious, inner self to outer self, right brain trying to cross that moat to the left. Too often they come back unread: “return to sender, addressee unknown.” That’s a shame because it’s a whole other world out there–or in here depending on your point of view.’ Dennis Koenig and Jordan Budde, Northern Exposure, Roots, 1991

We may be attracted to our opposite but it can be very challenging to have to live within a relationship with our opposite preference. We can certainly learn from each other to bring more balance to our personality. But generally in the onslaught of life it can contribute to many conflicts and misunderstandings. If we have some similarities in focus & expression then we easily understand each other and this is a good foundation for a good match.

‘Humility is no substitute for a good personality.’ Fran Lebowitz

An extrovert likes & sometimes needs company to function well and loves to communicate with that company. An introvert tends to need lots of space & time to integrate interactions in the outside world & they tend to like quiet. So if you find yourself in a match with a wide gulf between you of introversion & extroversion, then it is important to lay some ground rules & boundaries to protect & nurture each other. These have to be realistic to help build the relationship & the individuals in the relationship. The Atlantic Online posted a good article on this subject Caring for your Introvert . They followed this up with another article The Introversy Continues. They may have been onto something with the quote: Perhaps we should write a book called “Introverts are from Saturn, Extroverts are from Jupiter”.

More often, though, the “yin-yang,” introvert-extrovert pairing seems to work surprisingly well if both partners understand the other’s needs. So the answer, perhaps, is: It depends … but with some effort, an intro-extro relationship can attain an extra richness.

One reader writes, “One of the greatest compliments I have ever given anyone I dated is that being with him was like being alone.” That reminds me of something an introverted friend once told me, when I asked him how he kept his sanity living in close quarters with his extroverted wife. His reply: “We’ve learned to be alone together.”

‘After all it is those who have a deep and real inner life who are best able to deal with the irritating details of outer life.’ Evelyn Underhill

We can change our preference or focus in this area of course & I would always encourage everyone to become more versatile in their psyche. However word of warning, never go into a relationship with the idea that you or your partner will change. It is a formula for failure. Best to start with a good foundation as you both are at the time you meet, or not at all. Base a relationship on the premise that you will not change & then you can only grow & build the partnership to be stronger & more fulfilling for both parties.

‘A man who is ‘of sound mind’ is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key.’ Paul Valery

I’ll leave you with a funny interview with Deepak Chopra & Colbert, an hysterical & wonderful example of an introvert extrovert conversation……

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