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are you an extrovert or an introvert and how do you match with others? This is an important question that needs to be clarified and understood before matching with another person. Carl Jung focused on these two types of personality in his psychological work and these days many people have done the Myers Briggs personality assessment and discovered whether they are classed as an extrovert or introvert. The words themselves come from Latin from extra “outside”, intro “inward” and vertere “to turn”. Briefly an extrovert tends to focus their consciousness on the outer world and introverts tend to focus on their inner world.

Guy Kawasaki posted a comment stating that he was introverted on Twitter this week which sent ripples through the blogging community. Mashable did a poll on extraversion & introversion which you can view here

‘If it weren’t for caffeine I’d have no personality whatsoever!’ Anonymous

There may be scientific reasons related to our brain chemistry explaining why we tend to veer more towards extroversion or introversion?

‘A University of Iowa study adds to growing evidence that being shy or outgoing may be all in your head. Investigators looking at cerebral blood flow and personality found more conclusive signs of different brain activity in introverts and extroverts.’

‘It’s very hard to take yourself too seriously when you look at the world from outer space.’ Thomas K. Mattingly II

There is a quick quiz to identify whether you an introvert or extrovert at BlogThings.

True to my Myers Briggs assessment years ago, I came out as 90% extrovert. It’s a bit of quick fun, so give it a shot if you never identified your focus.

‘The peculiar striations that define someone’s personality are too numerous to know, no matter how close the observer. A person we think we know can suddenly become someone else when previously hidden strands of his character are called to the fore by circumstance.’ Elliot Perlman

Opposites attract is a given but if you are an extreme version of either of these personality types then it is important that you don’t match with the other extreme. In fact for a good match with another these two focuses are extremely important to match well. One of the best tools or assessments to help identify the individual’s focus that I have found helpful is astrology. It is clear by looking at the area where the majority of the planets are located in a horoscope. Of course in a relationship chart it is also easy to see how the relationship will focus. Then the individuals can decide whether this is where they want to live their life prompted by the relationship. The thing that is often missed with most assessments & discussions on this subject is that the relationship itself will have a focus or extrovert or introvert focus and as a result will affect the individuals. My relationship with my mother as a child and my ex husband in my early twenties threw me into a more introverted state than I am naturally. The relationship chart is invaluable as nothing else exists to highlight this before & during matching a couple.

‘Dreams are postcards from our subconscious, inner self to outer self, right brain trying to cross that moat to the left. Too often they come back unread: “return to sender, addressee unknown.” That’s a shame because it’s a whole other world out there–or in here depending on your point of view.’ Dennis Koenig and Jordan Budde, Northern Exposure, Roots, 1991

We may be attracted to our opposite but it can be very challenging to have to live within a relationship with our opposite preference. We can certainly learn from each other to bring more balance to our personality. But generally in the onslaught of life it can contribute to many conflicts and misunderstandings. If we have some similarities in focus & expression then we easily understand each other and this is a good foundation for a good match.

‘Humility is no substitute for a good personality.’ Fran Lebowitz

An extrovert likes & sometimes needs company to function well and loves to communicate with that company. An introvert tends to need lots of space & time to integrate interactions in the outside world & they tend to like quiet. So if you find yourself in a match with a wide gulf between you of introversion & extroversion, then it is important to lay some ground rules & boundaries to protect & nurture each other. These have to be realistic to help build the relationship & the individuals in the relationship. The Atlantic Online posted a good article on this subject ‘Caring for your Introvert’ . They followed this up with another article ‘The Introversy Continues’. They may have been onto something with the quote: ‘Perhaps we should write a book called “Introverts are from Saturn, Extroverts are from Jupiter”.’

“More often, though, the “yin-yang,” introvert-extrovert pairing seems to work surprisingly well—if both partners understand the other’s needs. So the answer, perhaps, is: It depends … but with some effort, an intro-extro relationship can attain an extra richness.

One reader writes, “One of the greatest compliments I have ever given anyone I dated is that being with him was like being alone.” That reminds me of something an introverted friend once told me, when I asked him how he kept his sanity living in close quarters with his extroverted wife. His reply: “We’ve learned to be alone together.””

‘After all it is those who have a deep and real inner life who are best able to deal with the irritating details of outer life.’ Evelyn Underhill

We can change our preference or focus in this area of course & I would always encourage everyone to become more versatile in their psyche. However word of warning, never go into a relationship with the idea that you or your partner will change. It is a formula for failure. Best to start with a good foundation as you both are at the time you meet, or not at all. Base a relationship on the premise that you will not change & then you can only grow & build the partnership to be stronger & more fulfilling for both parties.

‘A man who is ‘of sound mind’ is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key.’ Paul Valery

I’ll leave you with a funny interview with Deepak Chopra & Colbert – an hysterical & wonderful example of an introvert extrovert conversation……

change is a constant and needs to be taken into account in every relationship. Nothing stays the same, no one stays the same - we are constantly unveiling our potential. This is of course problematic when matching a couple because where they are at the start may not be where they are at the finish! They may be happy to be together but if their rate of change is different or they change in different ways, what can be done.

“Change is inevitable-except from a vending machine.” Robert C. Gallagher

Some tools that are useful in this process are
1. Accept that change is as inevitable as breathing
2. Openness to the opportunities that can be revealed in change
3. Spirit of adventure
4. Understanding that change can stimulate interest or attraction
5. Awareness
6. Flexibility

“Most of us are about as eager to be changed as we were to be born, and go through our changes in a similar state of shock.” James Baldwin

There are lotsa bonuses that can open through change. How can we support ourselves through change particularly in or due to relationship.
1. Take it easy on ourselves & our partners - this minimizes the effect of stress which takes it toll whether it is good or difficult change
2. Relax - also minimizes cost of stress
3. Take it slowly while the psyche integrates the changes
4. Communicate - this is the bridge that can carry love & forgiveness which are always a plus in a relationship

“A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.” Winston Churchill

The issue of change is easily incorporated when matching a couple through astrological means because astrology is the art/science of change. So we are right at home with the idea that nothing is rigid & fixed in time and can see the relevance & importance of change. It supports vision backwards & forwards & right now. Altho I do not believe that astrology is like telling the future, it certainly can highlight possible changes in the psyche of an individual & suggest whether a couple can sustain the inevitable changes during their time together & whether they both have a similar attitude to change.

“Just because everything’s different doesn’t mean anything’s changed.” Irene Porter

The other important point to note is that these days change occurs more rapidly and that people are more used to change. This of course augurs well as in even a short period of time we can observe how people we are relating to enjoy or withstand change. We can check out our similarities and note our differences. As long as there is a common note in our attitudes towards change, we can enjoy the ride together. It is when there are no similarities in our attitudes to change that we may need to pass on matching up, whether in love or business.

“Two basic rules of life: 1. Change is Inevitable 2. Everyone Resists Change. Remember this: When you are through changing… you’re through.” Unknown

“They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” Andy Warhol

Change can be shocking & difficult to digest of course and this funny ad is a good example of that sort of change………

are you a rule breaker or a follow-the-rules type of person in a relationship? These days this is a complex question because there are also different types/options in rules which appeal to different types of people. The origins of the word rule meaning “principle or maxim governing conduct,” are from the Old French riule and from the Latin regula meaning “straight stick, bar, ruler, pattern”. Humans are generally not ’straight‘ due to the complexity of our emotions, minds & bodies. However we have to live together and most rules exist to support us in survival socially.

“It is a good idea to obey all the rules when you’re young just so you’ll have the strength to break them when you’re old.” Mark Twain

Lets have a look at the different models that exist now in society by looking at today’s online community as an example of current social rules.  Social networks are currently in vogue for most of us online.  However even within the social networks there are different structures.

• Facebook which is currently the most popular social network is a gated community where a few people make the rules.  To live on Facebook, you have to follow the rules or you get kicked out - simple!  You get to play the games, speak with your friends and get information - lotsa fun!  Management of Facebook say that they listen to the noise on the network and improve the social structure through that feedback?

“Creativity is inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun.” Mary Lou Cook

• Then there are social networks that are highly focused & organized with plenty of structure & rules.  Linkedin is a good example of this kind of social network which is focused on business.  In this network individuals dont have any say in the rules but just need to abide by them to get the value in this social network.  There are no other options with a social network such as this, you either follow the rules or you are not in the network & then of course you can’t access any of its benefits either.

“You are remembered for the rules you break.” Douglas Macarthur

• Other types of social networks are based on Ning where you can create your own social network & create your own rules based on the broad base of the Ning structure.  In other words you can’t create anything on Ning that is outside of the tools that are supplied in the basic structure.  These social networks can be highly creative & individual & subject to the community’s own rules.

“I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?” Leo Durocher

These current examples of social structures also reflect the options that are available for us in our personal relationships.  In matching couples it is important to identify what type of preference the individual has for general social interaction & inclusion.  If you match a Facebook type with a Linkedin type there may tend to be conflict & one or the other may seem to break the rules of the other’s social rules.  This can be very offensive to a partner & damaging to a personal relationship.

We also tend to take home our social rules, some more than others.  This can bring huge conflict into the personal domain when it appears that a partner appears not to be following the rules.  It can also oppress one person over the other’s preference particularly if one partner is stronger in conviction or assertion or of their social rules or just more dominant.

“To me the female principle is, or at least historically has been, basically anarchic. It values order without constraint, rule by custom not by force. It has been the male who enforces order, who constructs power structures, who makes, enforces, and breaks laws.” Ursula K. Le Guin

Astrologically there are two main planets that would address social rules and they are Saturn & Jupiter. These two planets find it hard to co-exist although they must!   Their rules are based on different principles ie contraction & expansion and according to our individual preferences we may find a leaning towards one of these social principles.  These days we have wonderful creative opportunities socially just as there are so many different avenues for social interaction, online & offline.  The planet which leads the race in this area is a much more recent addition to the known solar system.  That planet is Uranus which orbits erratically and is associated more with anarchy or individual freedom.  This planet & its associations are demanding more integration socially now & so create opportunities for more creative options to the social rules.  To summarise it is helpful to understand what social structure & rules that help you live in the world & then make sure that you match with a partner who also has similar social rules.

Hope you enjoy this great & very funny ad which features the New Zealand All Blacks doing the haka & the Scottish retort! Hysterical & suggestive of how to get away with breaking the rules……

we are all looking for a match made in heaven but many find the opposite, a match made in hell. Even in my work as a matchmaker, being human I make mistakes too. Although the goal is of course to avoid mistakes in matching, there is no way to avoid mistakes sometimes.

“Relationships are like a dance, with visible energy racing back and forth between partners. Some relationships are the slow, dark dance of death.” Colette Dowling

You may be having a bad match day or make a miscalculation or just a little out of touch at that point? Whatever the reason for the mismatch, it is important once you realize the error that you do something about it. Remember hell can get very hot & is generally uncomfortable for most of us!

“Hell is other people.” Jean-Paul Sartre

What to do when you find yourself in a match made in hell?

1. Define what heaven & hell means for you
2. Identify whether you are in hell
3. Define what a match made in heaven looks like for you
4. Wake up & see what you can do to change the relationship
5. Ask your partner what heaven & hell mean for them?
6. Ask your partner for feedback: Are they in hell too?
7. Ask your partner what a match made in heaven looks like for them?
8. See if your ideals match - if they don’t miss steps 7 to 8 & move straight to 9
9. Ask your partner what they can do to change the relationship
10. Work together, if you can, to transform the match to one made in heaven
11. Finally if you are still in hell get out of there - sever the relationship & move on!

“I never gave anybody hell! I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.” Harry S Truman

Its always good to communicate to your partner in hell i.e., to explain why this is hell for you & then listen to why it is hell for them. This provides a good foundation of insight & understanding with which to try & build a match made in heaven once the hellish burns have healed. It needs to be put down to learning about yourself & relationships!

“Heaven for climate, Hell for company.” Sir James M. Barrie

Failing everything else if you are in a match from hell, get help by any means you can! There are professional means & also other friendly souls who just like to listen & help extricate others out of their own messes. Hell has too many costs & not enough returns!

“If I’m going to Hell, I’m going there playing the piano.” Jerry Lee Lewis

This woman is definitely the makings of a match made in hell – watch out! Enjoy this funny video - some more Oz humor!

unfortunately some people exude toxicity i.e., negativity in huge buckets (my interpretation) and sometimes when we are with them we can pick up leakage or spillage, deliberate or not. Toxic is an interesting word & basically means poison originally from Latin ‘toxicus’ and has something to do with the poison used on arrows. (This brings the image of the penetration value of some toxic people!) If we care about someone and want to be with them or see them, then that negative poison seeps through the permeable membrane that exists between us. Our borders are down with someone we care about & so this negativity can affect us. I unwittingly fell victim to this during the week and it took me a few days to come back to myself. I guess unwittingly was the operative word, as if I had been rational I would have not ventured to this meeting.

“I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.” David Bissonette

Our guard is often down with those we love & so we can be taken unaware by the absorption of negativity into our being. Of course if we are more vulnerable due to circumstances or mood, then this is more likely to occur. We can all be toxic at different times, if we allow negativity to control our minds & bodies. However some people choose (or feel they don’t have any choice due to lack of self awareness?) to be toxic most of the time. There is a summary of toxic types on Oprah’s website:

1. The Blamer
2. The Drainer
3. The Shamer
4. The Discounter
5. The Gossip

These categories make sense to me and there is even a link to a questionnaire to identify how toxic your relationships may be?

Normal

“A considerable percentage of the people we meet on the street are people who are empty inside, that is, they are actually already dead. It is fortunate for us that we do not see and do not know it. If we knew what a number of people are actually dead and what a number of these dead people govern our lives, we should go mad with horror.” George Gurdjieff

Of course it is important to clarify your boundaries in all relationships - both privately with yourself first & then later with the other person clearly & honestly. Moving to the second piece of this equation means taking a lot of responsibility & also courage to assert yourself. And sometimes either due to circumstances or type of relationship this may not even be possible. So in the first instance what can be done so that we are not burdened by unwanted toxicity in our relationship environment? You may just need to take some time out or remove yourself entirely from the situation as toxicity spreads & you can easily be infected. Get outa there now!!!! A Tibetan lama said to me many years ago that people will tend to effect you rather than you effecting them so it is always helpful to be with people that are like-minded & positive. Of course there are remarkable people amongst us who can work amongst great negativity & remain positive & helpful to others. I am obviously very unremarkable? Main point of this post is that it is important that you don’t match up with someone who is from the other camp generally. If you enjoy being positive, stick with someone else who is heading the same direction. Those who prefer more toxic territory need to stick with someone else who can show them further vistas in that territory!

“Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world!” Wayne Dyer

To help wash yourself down after this post, I wanted to share a very funny Australian video presented by a toxic cane toad (who are honestly & slowly invading the Oz countryside). You may need to have a bit of knowledge about my homeland to really get the joke, it evokes everything that I love about the country (not)…….