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unfortunately some people exude toxicity i.e., negativity in huge buckets (my interpretation) and sometimes when we are with them we can pick up leakage or spillage, deliberate or not. Toxic is an interesting word & basically means poison originally from Latin ‘toxicus’ and has something to do with the poison used on arrows. (This brings the image of the penetration value of some toxic people!) If we care about someone and want to be with them or see them, then that negative poison seeps through the permeable membrane that exists between us. Our borders are down with someone we care about & so this negativity can affect us. I unwittingly fell victim to this during the week and it took me a few days to come back to myself. I guess unwittingly was the operative word, as if I had been rational I would have not ventured to this meeting.

“I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.” David Bissonette

Our guard is often down with those we love & so we can be taken unaware by the absorption of negativity into our being. Of course if we are more vulnerable due to circumstances or mood, then this is more likely to occur. We can all be toxic at different times, if we allow negativity to control our minds & bodies. However some people choose (or feel they don’t have any choice due to lack of self awareness?) to be toxic most of the time. There is a summary of toxic types on Oprah’s website:

1. The Blamer
2. The Drainer
3. The Shamer
4. The Discounter
5. The Gossip

These categories make sense to me and there is even a link to a questionnaire to identify how toxic your relationships may be?

Normal

“A considerable percentage of the people we meet on the street are people who are empty inside, that is, they are actually already dead. It is fortunate for us that we do not see and do not know it. If we knew what a number of people are actually dead and what a number of these dead people govern our lives, we should go mad with horror.” George Gurdjieff

Of course it is important to clarify your boundaries in all relationships - both privately with yourself first & then later with the other person clearly & honestly. Moving to the second piece of this equation means taking a lot of responsibility & also courage to assert yourself. And sometimes either due to circumstances or type of relationship this may not even be possible. So in the first instance what can be done so that we are not burdened by unwanted toxicity in our relationship environment? You may just need to take some time out or remove yourself entirely from the situation as toxicity spreads & you can easily be infected. Get outa there now!!!! A Tibetan lama said to me many years ago that people will tend to effect you rather than you effecting them so it is always helpful to be with people that are like-minded & positive. Of course there are remarkable people amongst us who can work amongst great negativity & remain positive & helpful to others. I am obviously very unremarkable? Main point of this post is that it is important that you don’t match up with someone who is from the other camp generally. If you enjoy being positive, stick with someone else who is heading the same direction. Those who prefer more toxic territory need to stick with someone else who can show them further vistas in that territory!

“Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world!” Wayne Dyer

To help wash yourself down after this post, I wanted to share a very funny Australian video presented by a toxic cane toad (who are honestly & slowly invading the Oz countryside). You may need to have a bit of knowledge about my homeland to really get the joke, it evokes everything that I love about the country (not)…….

Time magazine recently had a special edition called ‘The Science of Romance’. Great to see a well known mag devoting so much space to this theme. The by line was ‘How we fall in love may be the hardest human behavior to explain. Scientists are seeking answers - and finding them.’

Time Mag

‘The Art of Romance’ is just as important and none of us, women or men, could not help but benefit from sharpening our talents and skills in this challenging area. In that vein, I have reused some of the subheadings from the above article to respond with my own thoughts.

• Liking What We See - and Hear

Secret admirer comic

Pay attention to your appearance and your speech ie what you speak about, how you speak and the tone in which you speak.

• The Lure of Smell

Love chipmunks

Pay attention to your bodily hygiene and keep your clothes and immediate surroundings clean!

• When Love Dies

Duct tape comic

Self Love is the best remedy & chocolate comes in at a close second!

• Why We Do It

Crazy Love

A picture says a thousand words!

Here’s a great Aussie ad that I hope has you laughing as much as I did….

I experienced a big disappointment this week that brought me to thinking about disappointments in relationships. The word disappoint comes from the Medieval French word desappointer meaning “undo the appointment, remove from office”. Modern sense of the word is “to frustrate expectations” which is from secondary meaning of “fail to keep an appointment.”

When we relate with others we bring our own ideals & fantasies to the mix as we meet and mingle. The honeymoon period of any relationship usually carries with it its own ready made fog of infatuation and desire mingled with an insane quality of unrealistic perfection! During this initial period we may not know where we are going or who we are relating to, however it is fun! Like watching a really good movie (only it may last for more than 2 or 3 hours) we are transported beyond ourselves and our mundane lives & worries. We become more than who we are and our partner receives all the fantasies and projections we have stored in the unconscious. Here at last is the perfect partner for us - our ship has finally come in!

Disappointment

Enjoy this time while you can, it does not last! Thank goodness really, because often we are not truly aware of who we are relating to and how the relationship is really going! After some time it may stop being fun for periods and reality creeps in, and we may discover that we have been living with the frog prince or princess. Only now they may appear more like a frog than a prince for longer & longer periods. This is an important time as we can really get to know the person behind the paper cut out that we have been playing with until now. You both may experience this at the same time or have different timing on when the fog lifts and your partner is revealed. It can be so shocking & disappointing that it finishes the relationship or both can make a conscious choice to pursue the learning and revealing to the heart of Love!

Certain Doom

We may literally feel that our partner has failed to keep their appointment with us! However this is the time that we can correlate our highest values in a partner with the reality of the human being we are partnering. Communication about our disappointment is important, both with our partner and others who support & love us. The fantasy was an expression of us all along & now comes the hard work of pulling that projection back and experiencing our own humanity as we learn about our partners. This is a warts & all kind of experience! If we cannot bring this into our human experience we will be fated to go from partner to partner and disappointment will be our only constant companion!
Hope you enjoy this funny video about one man’s particular disappointment!

Fear

do you ever find yourself circling around the heart of a matter, finding it difficult to get a definite connection to what is going on in your mind or feelings? It usually shows up as a soft fluffly cloud that seems to have settled on your brain. Nothing is definite or clear and you seem to toddle along without any sense of purpose and determination. You can be propelled into this state by the dogs of fear barking at the gate of something you don’t really want to look at or address. This soft woolly option can easily be slipped into to avoid whatever it is that you fear!!

locked heart

Unfortunately if you don’t awake or are awoken before too long you could find yourself a long way off the road to where you want to go. It is a comforting woolly feeling but nothing seems to come together or comes into clear focus. So there is a great sacrifice in the subtle avoidance of circling around the heart of a matter! If you are wanting to regain the ground you have lost, it is important to focus again on your goal. Allow your mind & feelings to catch up and then hopefully reclaim some clarity. The next step is to then face the barking dogs of fear that are trying to keep you back from the heart of the matter. You will of course then experience the original fear and can apply the antidote of courage. Fear only exists as do the guardian demons of temples as protection from the sacred heart of things.

Heart skies

Everything needs protection and a container to maintain form, it is important that these boundaries are kept intact. This is where fear lives on the peripheries of important things and its purpose is to protect us from the depths of the heart. Just as the demons are there only to protect, not to keep you out of the temple. Breathing through the fear and walking through the ring pass me not, brings you closer to the heart of the matter. Clarity and insight await you and are the reward for applying the antidote of courage. This is a process that can be used whether you are flying solo or in relationship. Of course the complexity doubles when you are together with someone else. And of course so does the treasure of reconnecting with the heart of things. Because the best place to be when in a relationship is in the heart of things!

Some people experience fear in aeroplanes - being so far above things can leave you feeling pretty vulnerable. Here is a great funny video from my old home Oz…….

intimate is not just women’s underwear, it is the subtle foundation of any good relationship. The word intimate is defined in the dictionary as pertaining to the inmost character of a thing; fundamental. The word comes from the Latin intimatus “make known, announce, impress,” and intimus “inmost”. It all sounds pretty intense doesn’t it but also so… attractive to be seen by another & accepted, let alone loved! Before moving on from the intimate apparel theme, thought you might enjoy this great foto from Flikr.

Intimate

Of course there is no such thing in love relationships as a little intimate, because by love’s very nature it implies that we are honest with the whole damn thing rather than showing glimpses of who we are and then hiding again. We all have areas that we feel we should hide from others for whatever reasons. In our culture the rarefied atmosphere of the mind is held high and feelings are repressed or depressed. Feelings are seated in our bodies and so the body is often the place where our vulnerability is easily exposed.

Of course most of us relate to intimacy as a sexual kinda thing but intimacy actually demands much more of us than just physical coupling. The physical act of sex really exposes our most vulnerable aspects through our bodies and our feelings which can be triggered by this physical exchange. Once a little intimacy is experienced, it seems that all levels want to come to the intimacy party - mental, emotional, physical and spiritual ! Of course that can be shattering to our sense of control and individuality! But it can also be ecstatic, liberating and relaxing as the healing power of love effects its miracles! An example courtesy of the ladybirds from Flikr…

Ladybirds

I had the biggest lessons in intimacy of my life many years ago, when I worked with men who were dying of AIDS. There is no more struggle to pretend or hide any more when our body no longer co-operates with the dance of life. We are no longer involved and have no more investment in the delights & banalities of life’s superficialities any more. As a result of facing our mortality & death we are able to be who we are, warts & all, with others. Paradoxically we can have more fulfilment in our relationships as well as feel somewhat detached from the need to control things that are often outside of our control, others & our environment. The Tibetan lamas say that the best meditation to bring you into the present moment is the death meditation, meditation on your own death! Its amazing how quickly you can recognise what is really important!

Here is a funny video from YouTube on intimacy between a couple….