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are you an extrovert or an introvert and how do you match with others? This is an important question that needs to be clarified and understood before matching with another person. Carl Jung focused on these two types of personality in his psychological work and these days many people have done the Myers Briggs personality assessment and discovered whether they are classed as an extrovert or introvert. The words themselves come from Latin from extra “outside”, intro “inward” and vertere “to turn”. Briefly an extrovert tends to focus their consciousness on the outer world and introverts tend to focus on their inner world.

Guy Kawasaki posted a comment stating that he was introverted on Twitter this week which sent ripples through the blogging community. Mashable did a poll on extraversion & introversion which you can view here

‘If it weren’t for caffeine I’d have no personality whatsoever!’ Anonymous

There may be scientific reasons related to our brain chemistry explaining why we tend to veer more towards extroversion or introversion?

‘A University of Iowa study adds to growing evidence that being shy or outgoing may be all in your head. Investigators looking at cerebral blood flow and personality found more conclusive signs of different brain activity in introverts and extroverts.’

‘It’s very hard to take yourself too seriously when you look at the world from outer space.’ Thomas K. Mattingly II

There is a quick quiz to identify whether you an introvert or extrovert at BlogThings.

True to my Myers Briggs assessment years ago, I came out as 90% extrovert. It’s a bit of quick fun, so give it a shot if you never identified your focus.

‘The peculiar striations that define someone’s personality are too numerous to know, no matter how close the observer. A person we think we know can suddenly become someone else when previously hidden strands of his character are called to the fore by circumstance.’ Elliot Perlman

Opposites attract is a given but if you are an extreme version of either of these personality types then it is important that you don’t match with the other extreme. In fact for a good match with another these two focuses are extremely important to match well. One of the best tools or assessments to help identify the individual’s focus that I have found helpful is astrology. It is clear by looking at the area where the majority of the planets are located in a horoscope. Of course in a relationship chart it is also easy to see how the relationship will focus. Then the individuals can decide whether this is where they want to live their life prompted by the relationship. The thing that is often missed with most assessments & discussions on this subject is that the relationship itself will have a focus or extrovert or introvert focus and as a result will affect the individuals. My relationship with my mother as a child and my ex husband in my early twenties threw me into a more introverted state than I am naturally. The relationship chart is invaluable as nothing else exists to highlight this before & during matching a couple.

‘Dreams are postcards from our subconscious, inner self to outer self, right brain trying to cross that moat to the left. Too often they come back unread: “return to sender, addressee unknown.” That’s a shame because it’s a whole other world out there–or in here depending on your point of view.’ Dennis Koenig and Jordan Budde, Northern Exposure, Roots, 1991

We may be attracted to our opposite but it can be very challenging to have to live within a relationship with our opposite preference. We can certainly learn from each other to bring more balance to our personality. But generally in the onslaught of life it can contribute to many conflicts and misunderstandings. If we have some similarities in focus & expression then we easily understand each other and this is a good foundation for a good match.

‘Humility is no substitute for a good personality.’ Fran Lebowitz

An extrovert likes & sometimes needs company to function well and loves to communicate with that company. An introvert tends to need lots of space & time to integrate interactions in the outside world & they tend to like quiet. So if you find yourself in a match with a wide gulf between you of introversion & extroversion, then it is important to lay some ground rules & boundaries to protect & nurture each other. These have to be realistic to help build the relationship & the individuals in the relationship. The Atlantic Online posted a good article on this subject ‘Caring for your Introvert’ . They followed this up with another article ‘The Introversy Continues’. They may have been onto something with the quote: ‘Perhaps we should write a book called “Introverts are from Saturn, Extroverts are from Jupiter”.’

“More often, though, the “yin-yang,” introvert-extrovert pairing seems to work surprisingly well—if both partners understand the other’s needs. So the answer, perhaps, is: It depends … but with some effort, an intro-extro relationship can attain an extra richness.

One reader writes, “One of the greatest compliments I have ever given anyone I dated is that being with him was like being alone.” That reminds me of something an introverted friend once told me, when I asked him how he kept his sanity living in close quarters with his extroverted wife. His reply: “We’ve learned to be alone together.””

‘After all it is those who have a deep and real inner life who are best able to deal with the irritating details of outer life.’ Evelyn Underhill

We can change our preference or focus in this area of course & I would always encourage everyone to become more versatile in their psyche. However word of warning, never go into a relationship with the idea that you or your partner will change. It is a formula for failure. Best to start with a good foundation as you both are at the time you meet, or not at all. Base a relationship on the premise that you will not change & then you can only grow & build the partnership to be stronger & more fulfilling for both parties.

‘A man who is ‘of sound mind’ is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key.’ Paul Valery

I’ll leave you with a funny interview with Deepak Chopra & Colbert – an hysterical & wonderful example of an introvert extrovert conversation……

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change is a constant and needs to be taken into account in every relationship. Nothing stays the same, no one stays the same - we are constantly unveiling our potential. This is of course problematic when matching a couple because where they are at the start may not be where they are at the finish! They may be happy to be together but if their rate of change is different or they change in different ways, what can be done.

“Change is inevitable-except from a vending machine.” Robert C. Gallagher

Some tools that are useful in this process are
1. Accept that change is as inevitable as breathing
2. Openness to the opportunities that can be revealed in change
3. Spirit of adventure
4. Understanding that change can stimulate interest or attraction
5. Awareness
6. Flexibility

“Most of us are about as eager to be changed as we were to be born, and go through our changes in a similar state of shock.” James Baldwin

There are lotsa bonuses that can open through change. How can we support ourselves through change particularly in or due to relationship.
1. Take it easy on ourselves & our partners - this minimizes the effect of stress which takes it toll whether it is good or difficult change
2. Relax - also minimizes cost of stress
3. Take it slowly while the psyche integrates the changes
4. Communicate - this is the bridge that can carry love & forgiveness which are always a plus in a relationship

“A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.” Winston Churchill

The issue of change is easily incorporated when matching a couple through astrological means because astrology is the art/science of change. So we are right at home with the idea that nothing is rigid & fixed in time and can see the relevance & importance of change. It supports vision backwards & forwards & right now. Altho I do not believe that astrology is like telling the future, it certainly can highlight possible changes in the psyche of an individual & suggest whether a couple can sustain the inevitable changes during their time together & whether they both have a similar attitude to change.

“Just because everything’s different doesn’t mean anything’s changed.” Irene Porter

The other important point to note is that these days change occurs more rapidly and that people are more used to change. This of course augurs well as in even a short period of time we can observe how people we are relating to enjoy or withstand change. We can check out our similarities and note our differences. As long as there is a common note in our attitudes towards change, we can enjoy the ride together. It is when there are no similarities in our attitudes to change that we may need to pass on matching up, whether in love or business.

“Two basic rules of life: 1. Change is Inevitable 2. Everyone Resists Change. Remember this: When you are through changing… you’re through.” Unknown

“They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” Andy Warhol

Change can be shocking & difficult to digest of course and this funny ad is a good example of that sort of change………

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are you a rule breaker or a follow-the-rules type of person in a relationship? These days this is a complex question because there are also different types/options in rules which appeal to different types of people. The origins of the word rule meaning “principle or maxim governing conduct,” are from the Old French riule and from the Latin regula meaning “straight stick, bar, ruler, pattern”. Humans are generally not ’straight‘ due to the complexity of our emotions, minds & bodies. However we have to live together and most rules exist to support us in survival socially.

“It is a good idea to obey all the rules when you’re young just so you’ll have the strength to break them when you’re old.” Mark Twain

Lets have a look at the different models that exist now in society by looking at today’s online community as an example of current social rules.  Social networks are currently in vogue for most of us online.  However even within the social networks there are different structures.

• Facebook which is currently the most popular social network is a gated community where a few people make the rules.  To live on Facebook, you have to follow the rules or you get kicked out - simple!  You get to play the games, speak with your friends and get information - lotsa fun!  Management of Facebook say that they listen to the noise on the network and improve the social structure through that feedback?

“Creativity is inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun.” Mary Lou Cook

• Then there are social networks that are highly focused & organized with plenty of structure & rules.  Linkedin is a good example of this kind of social network which is focused on business.  In this network individuals dont have any say in the rules but just need to abide by them to get the value in this social network.  There are no other options with a social network such as this, you either follow the rules or you are not in the network & then of course you can’t access any of its benefits either.

“You are remembered for the rules you break.” Douglas Macarthur

• Other types of social networks are based on Ning where you can create your own social network & create your own rules based on the broad base of the Ning structure.  In other words you can’t create anything on Ning that is outside of the tools that are supplied in the basic structure.  These social networks can be highly creative & individual & subject to the community’s own rules.

“I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them?” Leo Durocher

These current examples of social structures also reflect the options that are available for us in our personal relationships.  In matching couples it is important to identify what type of preference the individual has for general social interaction & inclusion.  If you match a Facebook type with a Linkedin type there may tend to be conflict & one or the other may seem to break the rules of the other’s social rules.  This can be very offensive to a partner & damaging to a personal relationship.

We also tend to take home our social rules, some more than others.  This can bring huge conflict into the personal domain when it appears that a partner appears not to be following the rules.  It can also oppress one person over the other’s preference particularly if one partner is stronger in conviction or assertion or of their social rules or just more dominant.

“To me the female principle is, or at least historically has been, basically anarchic. It values order without constraint, rule by custom not by force. It has been the male who enforces order, who constructs power structures, who makes, enforces, and breaks laws.” Ursula K. Le Guin

Astrologically there are two main planets that would address social rules and they are Saturn & Jupiter. These two planets find it hard to co-exist although they must!   Their rules are based on different principles ie contraction & expansion and according to our individual preferences we may find a leaning towards one of these social principles.  These days we have wonderful creative opportunities socially just as there are so many different avenues for social interaction, online & offline.  The planet which leads the race in this area is a much more recent addition to the known solar system.  That planet is Uranus which orbits erratically and is associated more with anarchy or individual freedom.  This planet & its associations are demanding more integration socially now & so create opportunities for more creative options to the social rules.  To summarise it is helpful to understand what social structure & rules that help you live in the world & then make sure that you match with a partner who also has similar social rules.

Hope you enjoy this great & very funny ad which features the New Zealand All Blacks doing the haka & the Scottish retort! Hysterical & suggestive of how to get away with breaking the rules……

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are you settling for what you can get in the relationship stakes? I read an interesting post in MoreIntelligentLife.com by Adelle Waldman which was a review of Lori Gottlieb’s controversial article in The Atlantic called ‘Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough’ I have a strong reaction to settling for good enough as the costs can be huge for an individual when looking for relationships. Everyone has to identify their own priorities in values, of course, particularly when asking that question: to couple or not to couple??

"You don’t always get what you ask for, but you never get what you don’t ask for… unless it’s contagious!" Franklyn Broude

or are you holding out for what you really want in a relationship? Of course that means whilst you are looking you may fly solo and have to nurse your own wounds & provide your own company? The benefits however are:

• you can also develop incredible life skills
• you can use more of your own potential
• develop your friendships
• get support & company from your community, virtual or real
• you then become more of a treasure for you & that special someone to really appreciate!

“You can’t ask for what you want unless you know what it is. A lot of people don’t know what they want or they want much less than they deserve. First you have figure out what you want. Second, you have to decide that you deserve it. Third, you have to believe you can get it. And, fourth, you have to have the guts to ask for it." Barbara De Angelis

As everything starts on the inside and then manifests on the outside in reality, if you hold out for what you want then:

• you are also more likely to find what you want
• become a role model for others who settle for good enough & are dissatisfied with the results
• get a better understanding of yourself & your own needs

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for." Maureen Dowd

Of course the path to going for what you want in a relationship rather than settling has an incredible payoff which is that you become incredibly empowered in your life. You have your hands on the wheel & you are in control of the vehicle. This means that you can stop & open up when you meet the right companion for the journey!

Benefits of settling for good enough in relationships is that you always have company, always have relating dynamics & issues and that you will never get lonely?

"Don’t complain that you are not getting what you want, Just be glad you are not getting what you deserve!" Unknown

 

I’ll close with a really funny video with an Oz comedian Carl Barron who definitely doesn’t settle for what he can get….. Hysterical!

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