breaking up & divorce is catching too?

it seems that we are such social animals now that even breaking up & divorce is catching too in social networks, not just loneliness!  I read about some recent research that suggest that when your friends or family split that it gives others confidence to do it too.  I gather & would hope that would only be if the expiration date on the relationship/marriage had come due or was overdue.  Nothing stays the same & people & relationships change over time and it is unrealistic to think that two people will stay together FOREVER.  Some do that’s true & it is brilliant that they are able to integrate their love with their personal development & evolvement.  But for the rest of us it seems we have to be ready to roll with the fast pace of life & intense pressures that we face in modern life.  Every individual ultimately will move & grow in the direction that they choose and we cannot limit or manipulate a partner’s path by demanding that they do what we want or go our way!  Ultimately that will come back & hit you in the face, control & manipulation of another never really work to anyone’s benefit in my experience.

“Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.” Helen Rowland

So obviously its not just loneliness that is catching on social networks, now we’re catching breakups & divorce from social networks.  Check out another post on ‘loneliness is catching even in social networks’ where I have featured the video Social Networks Are Like the Eye – Nicholas Christakis I who wrote the book ‘Connected’.

I read a CNN post ‘Could you be ‘infected’ by friend’s divorce?’ By Stephanie Chen where she mentions this research:

Divorce is contagious in social networks, a new study says. The idea is based on the theory of social contagion, or the spread of behavior or emotion through a group. In this case, the heated feelings and actions of one person’s divorce can be transferred like a virus, causing others to divorce, according to the study.
Friends have even more influence than siblings when it comes to divorce, according to Fowler’s study. People who had a divorced friend were 147 percent more likely to be divorced than people whose friends’ marriages were intact, the study said.
The study also revealed a divorced co-worker can increase the likelihood of another employee divorcing by 55 percent compared to an employee who works with non-divorced employees.
People with children were less susceptible to being influenced toward divorce by other divorced couples, the study said.
The study also found the divorce influence in chains of friends. For example, a divorcing person confides in a married friend. The married friend doesn’t opt for divorce, but relays details of the divorce discussion to a third person, influencing that third person in the chain to get a divorce.
“Some people can be a carrier of the disease without actually exhibiting the symptoms,” Fowler said, comparing the divorce influence to an infection. “They can carry a virus, but they might not get a fever or cough.”
There are several reasons why divorces create ripple effects in a social network. Fowler said people begin to warm up to the idea of divorce when they see their friends, family or co-workers going through the process. When a divorced person confides in someone married, the married person gains knowledge about the benefits and drawbacks of divorce. In Fowler’s study, it appeared most people saw the benefits in divorce.
“The people you associate with have a powerful influence over you,” he said. “It’s never just coming from inside the person.”
Lane gave an example of a client he counseled, a successful CEO in his mid-30s. The client was surrounded by similarly high-powered male friends, who had been through one or multiple divorces and had remarried younger women. The client contemplated a divorce but ultimately stayed with his wife.
“We are living in a culture that supports divorce,” Lane said. “We have this idea that marriage should make you happy and it doesn’t always make you happy. We are difficult to live with at times.”

I know when my marriage broke up many lifetimes ago, that a neighbor visited & shared that many people in the community had an idealistic view of our relationship & were devastated that we had broken up?  I was amazed about this feedback as I had been miserable practically from day one of the marriage due to his emotional dysfunction & inability to show me any affection or compassion (and in those days I wasn’t even very aware myself so it wouldn’t have been a really tall order)?   However after so many nights crying myself to sleep whilst he turned his back on me & in the final year eruptions of anger at each other being the main way of communicating or not, had forced me to face the fact that staying together for the sake of the children was worse for them & me than divorcing.  I summoned my courage and moved on, albeit with great pain & practical challenges of raising 3 children by myself.  My personal experience makes me think that we must role model our relationships in an outer way to our community, no matter what is going on underneath the surface.  Strength in numbers must be the norm in social activities & relationships and obviously marriage & divorce is more a social arrangement?

“Divorce. A resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.” Ambrose Bierce

“Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash.” Rita Mae Brown

This article linked to another CNN post ‘Why Gore breakup touched a nerve’ By Stephanie Coontz which is more helpful & suggestive of remedies:

Many people assume that late-life divorces are precipitated by some crisis, typically a man leaving his wife for another woman. But a 2004 AARP survey of people who divorced at older ages found that two-thirds were initiated by the woman, often to the surprise of the man.
Although men are more likely to instigate a divorce when they have another partner in sight, women are more likely to say they just couldn’t stand to be with this partner any more, which jibes with the research showing that women are physiologically and emotionally more sensitive to the negative effects of an unsatisfying relationship.
The rise in divorce rates for older people, which is occurring in Great Britain, Canada and Japan, as well as the United States, results from the confluence of two new trends. The first is that we expect more from marriage than in the past. It’s no longer enough for the other partner to be a good provider or a good housekeeper. We want marriage to include friendship, sexual satisfaction and an interesting give-and-take between equals. The second is that if a marriage ceases to meet their needs, older people have many more alternatives than they used to.
One of the best ways to renew marital affection and interest is to face new challenges together, whether that means learning new skills, braving a white-water rafting trip, or traveling to a new place. Let’s take this as a lesson to stop working so hard in our marriages and spend more time playing.
in them.

I agree with her suggestion of playing together in relationships, it doesn’t matter what stage or age.  Playing & having fun releases the joy in our hearts & sharing joy is just as important as sharing work loads, responsibility and challenges.  When our hearts open spontaneously through laughter or joy, we find unconditional Love for those sharing the journey.   Unconditional Love does not demand the other be any more than who they are and cultivates acceptance of our differences.

Another article in The Telegraph talks further about this issue Divorce ‘is contagious’ with some stats:

Divorce can be contagious within groups of friends, according to a new study.
The researchers have called it “divorce clustering” and found that a split up between immediate friends increases a person’s own chances of of getting divorced by 75 per cent.
The effect drops to 33 per cent if the divorce is between friends of a friend, referred to by the researchers as two degrees of separation, then disappears almost completely at three degrees of separation.
People with a divorced sibling are 22 per cent more likely to get divorced than people who do not.
The report added that people with children were less susceptible to being influenced toward divorce by other divorced couples.
When a divorced person confided in someone married, the married person gained knowledge about the benefits and drawbacks of divorce. In the study it appeared most people saw the benefits in divorce.

“You never really know a man until you have divorced him.” Zsa Zsa Gabor

The Daily Mail also posted an article by David Derbyshire  Divorce is contagious: Why there is a 75% chance your marriage will fail if your friends split

The researchers  -  led by Dr Rose McDermott of Brown University, Rhode Island  -  found that every divorce sends ripples through f riends, families and work colleagues.
‘These results go beyond previous work intimating a person -to person effect to suggest a person-to-person-to-person effect,’ said Dr McDermott.
The size of the effect for people at two degrees of separation, for example the friend of a friend, is 33 per cent. At three degrees the effect disappears.’
And while many couples cling to the belief that children reduce their risk of divorce, the scientists found it made no difference.

What has been your experience, would love to get your feedback in the comments below.  I’ll leave you with an oldie but a goodie- Funny (JK Wedding Entrance) jill and kevin unexpected divorce hearing entrance spoof, enjoy…

Related articles by Zemanta

• Is Divorce Contagious? Maybe It’s Something Else That’s Catching On (psychologytoday.com)
• You can catch a divorce from your friends: study (ctv.ca)
• Is divorce contagious? (holykaw.alltop.com)
• Japanese craft ritual for divorce (theworld.org)
• Laurence J. Kotlikoff: Making Divorce a Win-Win Proposition (huffingtonpost.com)
• Are Homosexuals Immune to Contagious Divorce Syndrome? (queerty.com)
• Is Divorce Contagious? — By: Maggie Gallagher (corner.nationalreview.com)
• Divorce spreads through social networks (mindhacks.com)
• Is Divorce Contagious? (huffingtonpost.com)