we have too many choices these days, as technology has increased our options in many ways & many things including dates & partners. This may also have contributed to the fact that many women have difficulty finding a suitable partner & many man do not want to settle with one woman thinking they may be missing out on something better. I watched a TED talk by Barry Schwartz on ‘The Paradox of Choice’ which I found very interesting.  It is a complex issue and the PsyBlog has a neat summary of the talk:

Too many choices cause:
Paralysis rather than liberation – people prefer to make no decision rather than make a complicated choice.
Less satisfaction with decisions as people have greater reason to regret the decisions they have made.
Unrealistic expectations.
Self-blame – when experiences are not perfect, people blame themselves.
Schwartz also argues that in modern affluent societies, too much choice may be a significant contributor to depression. He is the author of ‘The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less’.

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Carl Jung postulated the theory that our ‘other half’ dwells within us and that we look for that in the outer world when we have relationships with others. We project this ‘other half’ onto others but obviously our partners have to have some ‘hooks’ for our projections. When we find a good match for ourselves then this usually indicates that the ‘other’ more closely resembles our ‘other half’. If we have done a reasonable amount of work of self individuation, we can also see the ‘real person’ shining through our own projections. Our ‘other half’ exists within the psyche to trigger experiences that the Self can use to become whole or individuate. For online dating companies finding this secret in a formula or a data bank provides the key to becoming successful at matching couples. Although by the look of most of these sites, this is yet to be achieved successfully. What escapes them is the ‘human factor’ and this mystery which makes itself hard to be drilled down to a formula or databank probability.

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Web 2.0 & social media have created a culture where we almost have to market ourselves to be social with others. In this changed culture it is helpful to ask whether we are buying into our own brand or being our authentic selves? Fulfilling relationships with others are not possible unless we are real, brands and marketing don’t count when we are down to the wire. We need to be comfortable with our full range of possibilities: positive/negative, courageous/afraid, sad/happy, vulnerable/strong, loving/distant, kind/cruel and all the other gamut of humanness.

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relationships need to have a value on individual freedom & choice to flourish & grow & so do communities.  Privacy is not bad in relationships, if based on choice.  I love the net, but recently was disappointed to find that some of the big companies are trying to demolish privacy.  The word ‘private’ comes from the late 14c Latin privatus “set apart, belonging to oneself” (not to the state), used in contrast to publicus, communis.  There seems to be a risk that these companies are brainwashing us into thinking that privacy is no longer needed as a result of social media but surely we are smarter than that?  Is this really not a ploy to turn the tide in their favor so that they can have more power & make more money (not that any of the culprits really need to have any more power or money than they have already?)

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Now for a lighter look at dating, here are some very funny London Business Review personal ads that a client sent me the other day.  The principle idea is that the LBR readership is too sophisticated and filled with ennui to trot out the usual walks on the beach and sunsets rubbish, hysterical:

• I celebrated my fortieth birthday last week by cataloguing my collection of bird feeders. Next year I’m hoping for sexual intercourse. And a cake. Join my invite mailing list at box no. 6831. Man
• If intense, post-fight sex scares you, I’m not the woman for you (amateur big-boned cage wrestler, 62). Box no. 8744.

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