Here is the first interview with traditional Irish matchmaker Tom Fenney.  You may be interested in listening to the second interview with Gus Martyn here.

The transcripts for the interviews are here

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here is the second interview with the traditional Irish matchmaker Gus Martyn.

You might enjoy listening to the first interview with Tom Fenney too here

The transcripts for the interviews are located here

Enjoy....

security is usually an issue in any relationship, whether we base everything on that goal or whether we don't care about it all.  It is difficult to match a couple with the same attitude towards security and this can prove to create difficulties down the line.

When I was young I read Alan Watt's book 'The Wisdom of Insecurity' which was a brilliant read!  Alan wrote: 'What we have forgotten is that thoughts and words are conventions, and that it is fatal to take conventions too seriously.'  Maybe I should stop writing now, while I'm, ahead???

"Security is when everything is settled. When nothing can happen to you. Security is the denial of life." Germaine Greer

The word security comes from the Latin securus "without care, safe", from se cura, from se "free from" (secret) + cura "care" (cure). Its meaning "firmly fixed" (of material things) came later, on the notion of "affording grounds for confidence."  Security starts within a person and then extends out to be the experience that can be had in the world & in relationships.  If a person is secure in themselves then security is easily found with another person.  Basically we can carry our own sense of confidence or inner security around with us, even in the most challenging & disorienting situations & relationships.

"I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be." Billy Connelly

In matching couples it is important that the individuals have a similar attitude to security.  If not this can cause many issues & problems in a relationship.  What makes some people feel comfortable, may make others feel trapped.  I found an interesting BBC article that relating to secure relationships & how that affects a woman's sex drive Security 'bad news for sex drive': A woman's sex drive begins to plummet once she is in a secure relationship, according to research.  The conclusion: "The rational for why a woman's sex drive declines may be down to supply and demand. If something is in infinite supply, the perceived value would drop."

"No padlocks, bolts, or bars can secure a maiden better than her own reserve." Miguel De Cervantes

When we relate, it is given that we share or the relationship breaks down.  There are four general categories of types of people and what sharing provides security in a relationship:

1. Intellectual security - where sharing ideas, concepts & words provide a sense of security
2. Instinctive security - where sharing emotional currents & feelings provide a sense of security
3. Intuitive security - where sharing visions, dreams & inspirations provide a sense of security
4. Pragmatic security - where sharing practical & material things provide a sense of security

"Security is the chief enemy of mortals." William Shakespeare

Obviously when we both come from the same base, then it is easy to match with each other, e.g. Intellectual security with Intellectual security.  Combinations bring forth an interesting array of ease & challenge as per below:

• Intellectual Security with Intuitive Security can share some values & appreciate each others needs for security as there is a similarity.
• Intellectual Security with Instinctive Security are challenged due to the differences in their needs.  If there are other strong foundations in the relationship or if both individuals are secure within themselves then they can learn from each other.  However they will tend to devalue their partner's needs and therefore not pay enough attention to establishing the security.
• Intellectual Security with Pragmatic Security can co-exist but may need help to appreciate each other's needs for security.

"The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity." Erich Fromm

• Instinctive Security with Intuitive Security also can co-exist but may also need help.
• Instinctive Security with Pragmatic Security can appreciate each other's needs for security.
• Intuitive Security with Pragmatic Security will also have difficulties unless other parts of the match are strong.  It is difficult to appreciate & value each other's needs for security.

It is important to build trust in relationships & it makes it easier if you have similar needs and understand how to support each other in establishing security together.

"Probably the only place where a man can feel really secure is in a maximum security prison, except for the imminent threat of release." Germaine Greer

I'll leave you with a very funny comedian, Jay Malone, who talks about some security issues.  Enjoy....

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6eIz0L21KM&feature=related[/youtube]

how competitive are you in a partnership?  This is an important issue for matching couples because we all have individual requirements for outlet of the competitive urge in intimate relationships.  It’s OK to express unbridled competition in business and work relationships, although even there too much competition can destroy any trust or teamwork in a business or organization.  The Beijing Olympic Games made me think of about competitiveness where it serves the athletes and how it serves us or not in the sphere of relationships.

"Focus on competition has always been a formula for mediocrity." Daniel Burrus

I remember as a child being terrified of competition, being the daughter of a champion swimmer.  My parents pushed me into competing in swimming of course and in Australia that is a pretty normal arena for competition.  I remember feeling sick from the adrenaline that would race through my body & would head for the bathroom to hide.  Unfortunately that meant that I missed the race too and after a while I guess my parents just stopped pushing.  My personality leaned more toward cooperating with others rather than competing or so I thought.  However its only since I've matured that I realized that as a child I didn't have enough confidence in myself to support my own competitive spirit.  I just didn't feel that I had a chance in competing at anything, whether it was possible for me to win or not.

"The only competition worthy a wise man, is with himself." Mrs. Jamieson

A little competition generally is good in relationships as the adrenalin can heighten our awareness & performance with our intimate partners.  Its a great wake up call, when the adrenalin kicks in!  However there always has to be a winner & a loser in any competition & if we unconsciously compete with our partner one person may feel overwhelmed by being in the loser's seat too often.  Of course it may also get pretty boring being the winner all the time as well, with no difference.

"All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest --never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partnership." Ann Landers

In astrology Ares, the Greek god of War, rules the competitive spirit.  So I guess it boils down to how much war & how much peace do we want in our relationships?  If we live with a partner, it is important that there is some peace where we can restore our frayed nerves & energy from playing & working in the world as it is today.  There is no rest where partners have to be one step ahead of each other and so this can affect the caring side of the relationship.  Ares' lover was Venus, who rules love & lust, so we definitely need a reasonable receptivity and spirit of cooperation to make a good match together - it's all about balance!  The competitive spirit is all about ME and not really about YOU so it is important to have some balance in a relationship between focus on ME and US!

"Competition is the spice of sports; but if you make spice the whole meal you'll be sick." George Leonard

What are the positive outlets for the competitive spirit in a relationship?
1. Sport together
2. Sex together
3. Work, either outside or inside, together

"If you want to be incrementally better: Be competitive. If you want to be exponentially better: Be cooperative." Unknown

What has worked or not worked in your relationships now & in the past?  Would love to hear your feedback.  In the meantime I will leave you with one video about cooperation which is very moving....

Team cooperation miracle
And another ad with a little black humor reflecting on the destructiveness of competition on a couple......

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuVNsu5r_f8[/youtube]

are you an extrovert or an introvert and how do you match with others? This is an important question that needs to be clarified and understood before matching with another person. Carl Jung focused on these two types of personality in his psychological work and these days many people have done the Myers Briggs personality assessment and discovered whether they are classed as an extrovert or introvert. The words themselves come from Latin from extra "outside", intro "inward" and vertere "to turn". Briefly an extrovert tends to focus their consciousness on the outer world and introverts tend to focus on their inner world.

Guy Kawasaki posted a comment stating that he was introverted on Twitter this week which sent ripples through the blogging community. Mashable did a poll on extroversion & introversion which you can view here

‘If it weren't for caffeine I'd have no personality whatsoever!’ Anonymous

There may be scientific reasons related to our brain chemistry explaining why we tend to veer more towards extroversion or introversion?
‘A University of Iowa study adds to growing evidence that being shy or outgoing may be all in your head. Investigators looking at cerebral blood flow and personality found more conclusive signs of different brain activity in introverts and extroverts.’

‘It's very hard to take yourself too seriously when you look at the world from outer space.’Thomas K. Mattingly II

There is a quick quiz to identify whether you an introvert or extrovert at BlogThings.

True to my Myers Briggs assessment years ago, I came out as 90% extrovert. It’s a bit of quick fun, so give it a shot if you never identified your focus.

‘The peculiar striations that define someone's personality are too numerous to know, no matter how close the observer. A person we think we know can suddenly become someone else when previously hidden strands of his character are called to the fore by circumstance.’ Elliot Perlman

Opposites attract is a given, but if you are an extreme version of either of these personality types, then it is important that you don’t match with the other extreme. In fact for a good match with another these two focuses are extremely important to match well. One of the best tools or assessments to help identify the individual’s focus that I have found helpful is astrology. It is clear by looking at the area where the majority of the planets are located in a horoscope. Of course in a relationship chart it is also easy to see how the relationship will focus. Then the individuals can decide whether this is where they want to live their life prompted by the relationship. The thing that is often missed with most assessments & discussions on this subject is that the relationship itself will have a focus as extrovert or introvert and as a result will affect the individuals accordingly. My relationship with my mother as a child and my ex husband in my early twenties threw me into a more introverted state than I am naturally. The relationship chart is invaluable as nothing else exists to highlight this before & during matching a couple.

‘Dreams are postcards from our subconscious, inner self to outer self, right brain trying to cross that moat to the left. Too often they come back unread: "return to sender, addressee unknown." That's a shame because it's a whole other world out there--or in here depending on your point of view.’ Dennis Koenig and Jordan Budde, Northern Exposure, Roots, 1991

We may be attracted to our opposite but it can be very challenging to have to live within a relationship with our opposite preference. We can certainly learn from each other to bring more balance to our personality. But generally in the onslaught of life it can contribute to many conflicts and misunderstandings. If we have some similarities in focus & expression then we easily understand each other and this is a good foundation for a good match.

‘Humility is no substitute for a good personality.’ Fran Lebowitz

An extrovert likes & sometimes needs company to function well and loves to communicate with that company. An introvert tends to need lots of space & time to integrate interactions in the outside world & they tend to like quiet. So if you find yourself in a match with a wide gulf between you of introversion & extroversion, then it is important to lay some ground rules & boundaries to protect & nurture each other. These have to be realistic to help build the relationship & the individuals in the relationship. The Atlantic Online posted a good article on this subject ‘Caring for your Introvert’ . They followed this up with another article ‘The Introversy Continues’. They may have been onto something with the quote: ‘Perhaps we should write a book called "Introverts are from Saturn, Extroverts are from Jupiter".’

“More often, though, the "yin-yang," introvert-extrovert pairing seems to work surprisingly well—if both partners understand the other's needs. So the answer, perhaps, is: It depends ... but with some effort, an intro-extro relationship can attain an extra richness.

One reader writes, "One of the greatest compliments I have ever given anyone I dated is that being with him was like being alone." That reminds me of something an introverted friend once told me, when I asked him how he kept his sanity living in close quarters with his extroverted wife. His reply: "We've learned to be alone together."”

‘After all it is those who have a deep and real inner life who are best able to deal with the irritating details of outer life.’ Evelyn Underhill

We can change our preference or focus in this area of course & I would always encourage everyone to become more versatile in their psyche. However word of warning, never go into a relationship with the idea that you or your partner will change. It is a formula for failure. Best to start with a good foundation as you both are at the time you meet, or not at all. Base a relationship on the premise that you will not change & then you can only grow & build the partnership to be stronger & more fulfilling for both parties.

‘A man who is 'of sound mind' is one who keeps the inner madman under lock and key.’ Paul Valery

I’ll leave you with a funny interview with Deepak Chopra & Colbert – an hysterical & wonderful example of an introvert extrovert conversation......

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHoDysf0mH0[/youtube]