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we are all looking for a match made in heaven but many find the opposite, a match made in hell. Even in my work as a matchmaker, being human I make mistakes too. Although the goal is of course to avoid mistakes in matching, there is no way to avoid mistakes sometimes.

“Relationships are like a dance, with visible energy racing back and forth between partners. Some relationships are the slow, dark dance of death.” Colette Dowling

You may be having a bad match day or make a miscalculation or just a little out of touch at that point? Whatever the reason for the mismatch, it is important once you realize the error that you do something about it. Remember hell can get very hot & is generally uncomfortable for most of us!

“Hell is other people.” Jean-Paul Sartre

What to do when you find yourself in a match made in hell?

1. Define what heaven & hell means for you
2. Identify whether you are in hell
3. Define what a match made in heaven looks like for you
4. Wake up & see what you can do to change the relationship
5. Ask your partner what heaven & hell mean for them?
6. Ask your partner for feedback: Are they in hell too?
7. Ask your partner what a match made in heaven looks like for them?
8. See if your ideals match - if they don’t miss steps 7 to 8 & move straight to 9
9. Ask your partner what they can do to change the relationship
10. Work together, if you can, to transform the match to one made in heaven
11. Finally if you are still in hell get out of there - sever the relationship & move on!

“I never gave anybody hell! I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.” Harry S Truman

Its always good to communicate to your partner in hell i.e., to explain why this is hell for you & then listen to why it is hell for them. This provides a good foundation of insight & understanding with which to try & build a match made in heaven once the hellish burns have healed. It needs to be put down to learning about yourself & relationships!

“Heaven for climate, Hell for company.” Sir James M. Barrie

Failing everything else if you are in a match from hell, get help by any means you can! There are professional means & also other friendly souls who just like to listen & help extricate others out of their own messes. Hell has too many costs & not enough returns!

“If I’m going to Hell, I’m going there playing the piano.” Jerry Lee Lewis

This woman is definitely the makings of a match made in hell – watch out! Enjoy this funny video - some more Oz humor!

unfortunately some people exude toxicity i.e., negativity in huge buckets (my interpretation) and sometimes when we are with them we can pick up leakage or spillage, deliberate or not. Toxic is an interesting word & basically means poison originally from Latin ‘toxicus’ and has something to do with the poison used on arrows. (This brings the image of the penetration value of some toxic people!) If we care about someone and want to be with them or see them, then that negative poison seeps through the permeable membrane that exists between us. Our borders are down with someone we care about & so this negativity can affect us. I unwittingly fell victim to this during the week and it took me a few days to come back to myself. I guess unwittingly was the operative word, as if I had been rational I would have not ventured to this meeting.

“I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.” David Bissonette

Our guard is often down with those we love & so we can be taken unaware by the absorption of negativity into our being. Of course if we are more vulnerable due to circumstances or mood, then this is more likely to occur. We can all be toxic at different times, if we allow negativity to control our minds & bodies. However some people choose (or feel they don’t have any choice due to lack of self awareness?) to be toxic most of the time. There is a summary of toxic types on Oprah’s website:

1. The Blamer
2. The Drainer
3. The Shamer
4. The Discounter
5. The Gossip

These categories make sense to me and there is even a link to a questionnaire to identify how toxic your relationships may be?

Normal

“A considerable percentage of the people we meet on the street are people who are empty inside, that is, they are actually already dead. It is fortunate for us that we do not see and do not know it. If we knew what a number of people are actually dead and what a number of these dead people govern our lives, we should go mad with horror.” George Gurdjieff

Of course it is important to clarify your boundaries in all relationships - both privately with yourself first & then later with the other person clearly & honestly. Moving to the second piece of this equation means taking a lot of responsibility & also courage to assert yourself. And sometimes either due to circumstances or type of relationship this may not even be possible. So in the first instance what can be done so that we are not burdened by unwanted toxicity in our relationship environment? You may just need to take some time out or remove yourself entirely from the situation as toxicity spreads & you can easily be infected. Get outa there now!!!! A Tibetan lama said to me many years ago that people will tend to effect you rather than you effecting them so it is always helpful to be with people that are like-minded & positive. Of course there are remarkable people amongst us who can work amongst great negativity & remain positive & helpful to others. I am obviously very unremarkable? Main point of this post is that it is important that you don’t match up with someone who is from the other camp generally. If you enjoy being positive, stick with someone else who is heading the same direction. Those who prefer more toxic territory need to stick with someone else who can show them further vistas in that territory!

“Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world!” Wayne Dyer

To help wash yourself down after this post, I wanted to share a very funny Australian video presented by a toxic cane toad (who are honestly & slowly invading the Oz countryside). You may need to have a bit of knowledge about my homeland to really get the joke, it evokes everything that I love about the country (not)…….

are you settling for what you can get in the relationship stakes? I read an interesting post in MoreIntelligentLife.com by Adelle Waldman which was a review of Lori Gottlieb’s controversial article in The Atlantic called ‘Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough’ I have a strong reaction to settling for good enough as the costs can be huge for an individual when looking for relationships. Everyone has to identify their own priorities in values, of course, particularly when asking that question: to couple or not to couple??

"You don’t always get what you ask for, but you never get what you don’t ask for… unless it’s contagious!" Franklyn Broude

or are you holding out for what you really want in a relationship? Of course that means whilst you are looking you may fly solo and have to nurse your own wounds & provide your own company? The benefits however are:

• you can also develop incredible life skills
• you can use more of your own potential
• develop your friendships
• get support & company from your community, virtual or real
• you then become more of a treasure for you & that special someone to really appreciate!

“You can’t ask for what you want unless you know what it is. A lot of people don’t know what they want or they want much less than they deserve. First you have figure out what you want. Second, you have to decide that you deserve it. Third, you have to believe you can get it. And, fourth, you have to have the guts to ask for it." Barbara De Angelis

As everything starts on the inside and then manifests on the outside in reality, if you hold out for what you want then:

• you are also more likely to find what you want
• become a role model for others who settle for good enough & are dissatisfied with the results
• get a better understanding of yourself & your own needs

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for." Maureen Dowd

Of course the path to going for what you want in a relationship rather than settling has an incredible payoff which is that you become incredibly empowered in your life. You have your hands on the wheel & you are in control of the vehicle. This means that you can stop & open up when you meet the right companion for the journey!

Benefits of settling for good enough in relationships is that you always have company, always have relating dynamics & issues and that you will never get lonely?

"Don’t complain that you are not getting what you want, Just be glad you are not getting what you deserve!" Unknown

I’ll close with a really funny video with an Oz comedian Carl Barron who definitely doesn’t settle for what he can get….. Hysterical!

living together successfully can either be a wonderful learning & sharing experience or a real test for any couple. Unfortunately the latter has the higher percentage of entrants in the couple stakes. There are several components to the question how to live together successfully?

“That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.” Bill Cosby

“All marriages are happy it’s living together afterwards that causes all the problems.” Raymond Hull

The more similar we are, then the easier living together will be. Bill Allin also suggested in a recent post ‘If Sex is so Great, Why Does it Screw Up so Many Lives’ that partners should be found for each stage of life. If we are conscious of ourselves and know what stage of life we are involved with, then we can consciously choose a partner to match. The requirement in this is that we have some level of consciousness of self (not self consciousness)!

“Coming together is a beginning, staying together is progress, and working together is success.” Henry Ford

The other important piece is to define what living together means for you. There are various levels:

• really live-ing
• controlling
• manipulating
• functioning
• existing
• barely breathing

“The concerts you enjoy together; neighbors you annoy together; children you destroy together: that make marriage a joy” Stephen Sondheim

Then the steps to living together successfully are

1. Decide individually what you want to experience generally in life
2. Come to a mutual agreement with your partner for which level you both want to aim
3. Agree to support each other when conscious levels drop to stay at your chosen level of living together.

Real success in living together will be achieved with these steps! (Possibly easier to read & post than to actually do for some of us?)

“There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn’t give a damn what goes on in between.” Sir Thomas Beecham

Remember if:

• We are tolerant of each other’s differences
• Communicate to each other our own needs & preferences
• Listen to each other’s needs & preferences
• Respect ourselves & each other no matter what happens

then we can fit with each other best & live together successfully.

“People nowadays like to be together not in the old-fashioned way of, say, mingling on the piazza of an Italian Renaissance city, but, instead, huddled together in traffic jams, bus queues, on escalators and so on. It’s a new kind of togetherness which may seem totally alien, but it’s the togetherness of modern technology.” J. G. Ballard

I’ll leave you with a really funny interpretation of what living together means for a lot of people….. Enjoy!