too close for comfort?

how close is too close for comfort for you? We all have different requirements when it comes to how close we want to be to others. There is a cultural component to this, as different nationalities generally require different physical space between themselves & others.  Australians like myself have the biggest requirement for space between self & others, understandably as we are a small population in a very large country. The US follows Oz & also like to have lots of space between themselves & others physically. However when I moved to Europe years ago, I was struck at how much closer people are comfortable with others. Asia of course is similar as these areas in the world are where many people are located in smaller areas.

'Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.' Rene Yasenek

The word close comes from the old French word clos meaning 'confined' and from the Latin clausus meaning to stop up, fasten, shut. This gives great visuals of how some people personally experience being close with another. On an individual level some of us need a certain amount of physical space & time between those with whom we are close. And some of us personally need very little physical space & time between those with whom we are close. For a match between a couple to work, this is certainly an area that needs to be addressed. It is not a personal rejection when someone needs space & time separate from someone close, particularly if they may be going through a particularly intense time or change in their life.

'People drain me, even the closest of friends, and I find loneliness to be the best state in the union to live in.' Margaret Cho, weblog

Apart from different times in our lives when our needs for being close & separate are in flux due to life circumstances, each individual has a general pattern that suits them. In matching a couple I find it helpful to look at this, to ensure a successful match. The need for space & freedom is the main principle to identify in finding how close a person wants to be with another. There are four main categories of type:

1. Idealistic freedom - the need for space & freedom as regards thoughts & ideas
2. Emotional freedom - the need for space & freedom as regards feelings
3. Physical freedom - the need for space & freedom physically in space
4. Passionate freedom - the need for freedom & space as regards vision & ideals

'Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.' George Burns

• Obviously like qualities go easily & well together, it comes naturally to respect their partner's need for space & freedom as they hold the same value.
• Idealistic Freedom with Emotional Freedom face each other over a wide gulf of differences in values in how close & separate they need to be with each other to be comfortable
• Idealistic Freedom with Physical Freedom can struggle to stay in sync but if other issues are easy then the can learn to honor each other's values for closeness & separateness
• Idealistic Freedom with Passionate Freedom easily identify with each other's values for closeness & separateness & can adapt to suit each other
• Emotional Freedom easily identify with each other's values for closeness & separateness & they too can easily adapt to suit each other
• Emotional Freedom with Passionate Freedom can learn from each other to respect their differences, particularly if other aspects of the relationship works well
• Physical Freedom with Passionate Freedom also struggle to stay in sync with each other's needs for closeness & separateness due to a wide difference in their values in this area

'Electronic communication is an instantaneous and illusory contact that creates a sense of intimacy without the emotional investment that leads to close friendships.' Clifford Stoll

Generations also have different needs for closeness & separateness. Nowadays we can be close to someone who we have never physically met. Virtual reality has changed our values in close & separate relationships. The XGen who are now in their prime generally have great need for space & freedom in their relationships. So this fits well with virtual relationships. However human nature has a continuum through all the generations. What works in virtual reality may not work well in day to day living or in the bedroom! This makes it even more important to understand who we are and what our real needs are before we match with others who will share this dimension of our lives.

Heres a funny video about what can happen when someone gets too close for comfort, watch his facial movements.....

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=PHzSMTPyg7I[/youtube]

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