May 11th, 2008

going the distance?

» Posted in Matchmaking, Relationships at 1:15 pm

the biggest challenge in matching a couple is to match each individual’s requirement for commitment. The word commit comes from Latin committere “to bring together” from com- “together” & mittere “to put, send”. It seems to be an integral & important ingredient in making any relationship long term and to give it staying power. The big ‘C’ word is what scares a lot of people, particularly men, but if we have nothing binding us together, a relationship will slowly fade away. However the reality is that we all have different ideals and images about what commitment means for us and this is not often addressed.

‘A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.’ Helen Rowland

It is helpful to identify individual’s needs as regards commitment & stability in a relationship.

Idealistic Commitment: some people appreciate the idea of commitment and so commitment comes in the form of thought & communication. As long as these are preserved then they feel trust and stability in a relationship.
Emotional Commitment: some people appreciate emotional commitment and so commitment comes in the form of feeling exchange & sharing. As long as these are preserved then they feel trust & stability in a relationship.
Physical Commitment: some people appreciate physical commitment and so commitment comes in the form of being physically & sexually present in each other’s lives. As long as these are preserved then they feel trust & stability in a relationship.
Passionate Commitment: some people appreciate passionate commitment and so commitment in the form of sharing passion & dreams. As long as these are preserved then they feel trust and stability in a relationship.

‘The best way out is always through.’ Robert Frost

Out

If we match with another who has the same inner experience of commitment then there are less conflicts and it is easy to meet each other’s needs. However with others who have different commitment needs there are some interesting experiences:

Idealistic Commitment with Emotional Commitment have problems identifying with each other’s needs for commitment. Their values are different and therefore they find it difficult to take each other’s needs seriously. This would be one of the most challenging combinations and therefore could cause a great degree of insecurity in a relationship.
Idealistic Commitment with Physical Commitment have different values and this combination is challenging but they can work out creative ways to satisfy & understand each other’s needs for commitment.
Idealistic Commitment with Passionate Commitment can easily satisfy each other’s needs for commitment. They are both loose and are not tangible forms of commitment so can fit together.
Emotional Commitment with Physical Commitment can also easily satisfy each other’s needs for commitment. As the feelings are based in the body, they have common ground for building trust together.
Emotional Commitment with Passionate Commitment have different values but can learn from each other on how to satisfy each other’s needs for commitment. They can find common threads on exploration.
Physical Commitment with Passionate Commitment however have great difficulty valuing each other’s needs for commitment. Physical Commitment may seem too rigid and inflexible for Passionate Commitment and Passionate Commitment may appear too flighty for Physical Commitment.

‘In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar – a practice which is still continued.’ Helen Rowland

‘The hardest task of a girl’s life, nowadays, is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious.’ Helen Rowland

Commitment is often made out to be all hard work with lots of sacrifices, however if we understand our preferences and choose carefully & consciously then commitment can help us enjoy our relationships and of course our lives!

Here’s a funny video that encourages understanding of who we are committing to, to safeguard against unwelcome surprises! Enjoy……