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timing is a crucial piece in matchmaking! It is important to identify at the outset whether it is good or bad timing for an individual to have a relationship. Also there are different times in our lives when we want different things from relationships & in a partner. If we manage to find someone who also wants similar things at the same time then we can make the match really work!

“I love the idea of “the one” but I actually believe that there isn’t a Miss Right. There are 12,000 Miss Rights out there and it’s all timing.” Matthew Perry

Great comic from xkcd this week on the same theme (see end of this post)! Despite other positive matching criteria (see past posts) if timing is not right for both parties, this can hinder a good match for a couple. Time is a woman/man made construct and is what defines our little lives here on the planet. There are two aspects of time that we need to consider in matchmaking.

Her Time

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.” Gloria Naylor

They are:

1. Respective ages of each individual
2. Respective current changes or focus in individual’s lives

Mouth timing

“Life is all about timing… the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable… attainable. Have the patience, wait it out. It’s all about timing.” Stacey Charter

• Age is important to some & it is usually very important to most as it determines our preferences & gives a general indicator of where we are up to in life & consciousness. What is important for you in yourself & therefore what you want in a partner changes from 18 to the 30’s to the 40’s. There are certain stages that we all go through in our own individual Technicolor version. Birth, childhood, teenager, young adult, mature adult & wise adult. Women often talk about listening to their ‘biological clock’ which usually refers to their ability to conceive &/or raise children. Older men often have ‘mid-life crises’ manifesting as preferences for young women, who can inspire a younger, more vital experience in their lives. I’d recommend a great book, that I read many years ago, Gail Sheehy’s ‘Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life’ that more clearly highlights some of these stages.

Dragging heart

“You know, sometimes, when they say you’re ahead of your time, it’s just a polite way of saying you have a real bad sense of timing.” George McGovern

• In the midst of the general cycles of life which we all tend to experience, we also have our own individual timing which is a more personal experience. This is our individual movie and therefore we will want to sign up extras based upon our very own individual preferences. An example of this, is that if we have experienced a personal tragedy such as the death of a loved one, we may prefer to have a partner that can have an understanding of this issue, no matter what general stage of life we find ourselves. If we already have children, then we may prefer a partner that can encompass those responsibilities, no matter what general stage of life we find ourselves.

Kangaroo timing

“Observe due measure, for right timing is in all things the most important factor.” Hesiod

Online dating or social networks (virtual reality) are brilliant environments to look for a suitable match because age & individual preferences are often listed. This cuts out a lot of all the preliminaries that go on in the ‘real world’ where a couple need to find out whether they match on these most crucial aspects. One of the best tools that anyone can rely on to gauge both these pieces is astrology. Just as time is a man made construct to measure our time on the planet & in our body, astrology is a man made tool that interprets time generally & time for individuals. By looking at individual’s birth charts and the relationship chart (composite chart), we have deadly accurate information about these timings & therefore preferences of both individuals & whether they can match.

Bad timing xkcd

And here’s a funny video about bad timing in a relationship……

success means different things for different people and it is great if both partners in a relationship have similar definitions. The word success meaning “result, outcome,” comes from the Latin successus “an advance, succession, happy outcome”. The combined effort of more than one person, can certainly contribute to easier, more sustained success than one person solo. Success can be very tangible & solid or it can be much more subtle depending on the type of success that is desired. There are four main categories of success are:

“We are told that talent creates its own opportunities. But it sometimes seems that intense desire creates not only its own opportunities, but its own talents.” Eric Hoffer

Stagnation

‘Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.’ Gen George Patton

1. Intellectual success which is achievement of ideas & communication.
2. Feeling success which is achievement of expression & exchange of feelings
3. Physical success which is achievement of material goals & ambitions.
4. Visionary success which is achievement of dreams & inner visions.

Liquor store

“Regardless of how you feel inside, always try to look like a winner. Even if you are behind, a sustained look of control and confidence can give you a mental edge that results in victory.” Arthur Ashe

If both parties in a relationship have the same concept of success then of course this is the easiest combination when matching couples for achieving success. The other combinations have varying degrees of challenges or ease.

• Intellectual Success with Feeling Success is one of the hardest combinations as each person finds difficulty in understanding the other’s concept of success. If other parts of the relationship are strong then they may be open to learning about each other’s experience of success.
• Intellectual Success with Physical Success is also a difficult combination as each may fall short of achievement through each other. Physical success may struggle with the intangible state of the Intellectual Success. Intellectual success may struggle with the need for material & tangible form of Physical Success.
• Intellectual Success with Visionary Success find an ease in supporting each other with their experiences of success and therefore will more easily find success.
• Feeling Success with Physical Success also finds a way to integrate each other’s concept of success and therefore will thrive together
• Feeling Success with Visionary Success may struggle in understanding of each other’s concept of success but if other aspects in the relationship are strong, can learn to honor each other’s success.
• Physical Success with Visionary Success is also one of the most difficult combinations for understanding each other’s concept of success. However if other aspects in the relationship are strong they can learn to integrate each other’s success.

Camel success

‘We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.’ Norman MacFinan

If success in life i.e., happy outcomes are a strong focus for a person, then it is very helpful to have a partner that agrees and supports the same concept of success. Then together they can succeed at whatever they do individually or together.

Heres a funny ad that demonstrates that we all have different experiences for romantic success. Enjoy……

freedom is a key need for every person, relationship or nation to evolve and develop. Inherent in freedom is respect for oneself and others. Basic in our interactions with others, we need to honor them as we want to be honored. This means taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions and giving others the opportunity to do the same.

‘We must recognise that the suffering of one person or one nation is the suffering of humanity. That the happiness of one person or nation is the happiness of humanity.’ HH Dalai Lama

Tibetan monk

Tibet has been under Chinese rule since 1959 when HH the Dalai Lama escaped. Many atrocities have occurred in Tibet over these 50 years and HH has lead the Tibetan government in exile. With the Beijing Olympics this year, there has been a wonderful opportunity for the Tibetan cause for Freedom to be highlighted all over the world.

‘In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.‘ HH Dalai Lama

Golden Gate Freedom

‘It is not enough to be compassionate. You must act. There are two aspects to action. One is to overcome the distortions and afflictions of your own mind, that is, in terms of calming and eventually dispelling anger. This is action out of compassion. The other is more social, more public. When something needs to be done in the world to rectify the wrongs, if one is really concerned with benefiting others, one needs to be engaged, involved.’ HH Dalai Lama

Free Tibet demonstrations

‘The rationale for universal compassion is based on the same principle of spiritual democracy. It is the recognition of the fact that every living being has an equal right to and desire for happiness. The true acceptance of the principle of democracy requires that we think and act in terms of the common good. Compassion and universal responsibility require a commitment to personal sacrifice and the neglect of egotistical desires. ‘ HH Dalai Lama

HH Freedom

‘Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day.’ HH Dalai Lama

Tibet flag

‘All people and things are interdependent. The world has become so small that no nation can solve its problems alone, in isolation from others. That is why I believe we must all cultivate a sense of responsibility based on love and compassion for each other.’ HH Dalai Lama

There are a number of ways that you can support the Free Tibet campaign that do not require scaling the Golden Gate bridge to hang banners: http://www.freetibet.net/help.html http://www.freetibet.org Sign a petition http://www.avaaz.org/en/tibet_end_the_violence/98.php/?CLICK_TF_TRACK For further information about Tibet: http://www.tibet.org A great film about HH the Dalai Lama ‘The Unwinking Gaze’ by Joshua Dugdale http://www.unwinkinggaze.com This is a video of the Tibetan protest at Mount Everest to Free Tibet……

and now for something completely different ….. & funny, a blast from the past, Monty Pythons climbing Mount Everest….

the biggest challenge in matching a couple is to match each individual’s requirement for commitment. The word commit comes from Latin committere “to bring together” from com- “together” & mittere “to put, send”. It seems to be an integral & important ingredient in making any relationship long term and to give it staying power. The big ‘c’ word is what scares a lot of people, particularly men, but if we have nothing binding us together, a relationship will slowly fade away. However the reality is that we all have different ideals and images about what commitment means for us and this is not often addressed.

‘A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.’ Helen Rowland

I do

It is helpful to identify individual’s needs as regards commitment & stability in a relationship.

1. Idealistic Commitment: some people appreciate the idea of commitment and so commitment comes in the form of thought & communication. As long as these are preserved then they feel trust and stability in a relationship.
2. Emotional Commitment: some people appreciate emotional commitment and so commitment comes in the form of feeling exchange & sharing. As long as these are preserved then they feel trust & stability in a relationship.
3. Physical Commitment: some people appreciate physical commitment and so commitment comes in the form of being physically & sexually present in each other’s lives. As long as these are preserved then they feel trust & stability in a relationship.
4. Passionate Commitment: some people appreciate passionate commitment and so commitment in the form of sharing passion & dreams. As long as these are preserved then they feel trust and stability in a relationship.

‘The best way out is always through.‘ Robert Frost

Out

If we match with another who has the same inner experience of commitment then there are less conflicts and it is easy to meet each other’s needs. However with others who have different commitment needs there are some interesting experiences:

• Idealistic Commitment with Emotional Commitment have problems identifying with each other’s needs for commitment. Their values are different and therefore they find it difficult to take each other’s needs seriously. This would be one of the most challenging combinations and therefore could cause a great degree of insecurity in a relationship.
• Idealistic Commitment with Physical Commitment have different values and this combination is challenging but they can work out creative ways to satisfy & understand each other’s needs for commitment.
• Idealistic Commitment with Passionate Commitment can easily satisfy each other’s needs for commitment. They are both loose and are not tangible forms of commitment so can fit together.
• Emotional Commitment with Physical Commitment can also easily satisfy each other’s needs for commitment. As the feelings are based in the body, they have common ground for building trust together.
• Emotional Commitment with Passionate Commitment have different values but can learn from each other on how to satisfy each other’s needs for commitment. They can find common threads on exploration.
• Physical Commitment with Passionate Commitment however have great difficulty valuing each other’s needs for commitment. Physical Commitment may seem too rigid and inflexible for Passionate Commitment and Passionate Commitment may appear too flighty for Physical Commitment.

‘In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued.’ Helen Rowland

No sweater

‘The hardest task of a girl’s life, nowadays, is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious.’ Helen Rowland

Commitment is often made out to be all hard work with lots of sacrifices, however if we understand our preferences and choose carefully & consciously then commitment can help us enjoy our relationships and of course our lives! Here’s a funny video that encourages understanding of who we are committing to, to safeguard against unwelcome surprises!

sex sells, so they say. I’m not sure about that although most ad agencies would probably disagree! It certainly makes the world go around as it guarantees that most species on the planet will be perpetuated. In relationships it also provides us humans with an intense level of intimacy, release of pent up energy and a source of lotsa fun! However we all express our sexuality in different ways and have different needs in that area. There are four broad categories in sexual expression and needs which are as follows:

Sex sign

1. Connective lover who expresses their sexuality in their body through the connection with their partner. They can be turned on by communication and exchange of ideas with their partner.
2. Sensitive lover who expresses their sexuality in their body through their feelings & sensations with their partner. They can be turned on by sharing of feelings and sensitivity with their partner.
3. Passionate lover who expresses their sexuality in their body through their fantasies and passions. They can be turned on by sharing of fantasies and passion with their partner.
4. Instinctual lover who expresses their sexuality in their body in a very physical way. They can be turned on by physical and sensate exchange with their partner.

No sex

When matching couples as regards sexual compatibility it is easy for those that have the same mode to have good and satisfying sexual relationships. Differences can excite and stimulate initially but long term may cause problems in satisfaction and trust within a relationship. The other combinations I will list below:

• Connective lover with Sensitive lover can have challenges, although if other factors in the relationship support them they can broaden their ranges together. However they may complain of disconnection and lack of fulfillment of their needs with each other
• Connective lover with Passionate lover can easily turn each other on and enjoy a satisfying sexual relationship. They both appreciate the subtle aspect of the sexual relationship and therefore have a similar base.
• Connective lover with Instinctual lover also have challenges but can identify creative resolutions to any differences together. They can learn from each other to broaden their ranges & heighten their experience of sex.
• Sensitive lover with Passionate lover can also learn from each other’s differences to broaden their range & heighten their experience of sex.

Giraffe donkey sex

• Sensitive lover with Instinctual lover can easily turn each other on & their sexual relationship can be very good. Each provides a dimension that can increase depth into their experience of sex.
• Passionate lover has difficulties with Instinctual lover as their needs and sexual expression are very different. They may have a distaste for each other’s mode of expression & satisfying each other’s needs. But if other aspects of the relationship can support them in learning about each other’s needs then they can develop together in a sexual relationship.

Robot sex

Hopefully none of us will have to resort to ‘robot sex’ and are able to choose & find partners that we can dance together with sexually! This is a great video from ‘Vagina Monologues’ that will bring a little chuckle….. Enjoy!