If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

A friend gave me a copy of ‘Why Men Love Bitches’ to read this week. It is a great book for WOMEN! It propounds, in its own way, my own belief that women have better relationships with men when they develop themselves and become confident and assured in their own lives. Women are very…. interested in bettering their relationships and often have read, studied and spoken with other women about relationships with men frequently in their lives. It’s sort of like preaching to the converted!

However having worked with a lot of men over the years, I feel that there is not a lot of support for men to have better relationships with women. So I would like to add my voice to that lower percentage and counter ‘Why Men Love Bitches’ with my own ‘Why Women Love Gentlemen’. If you are a man and are reading this then I am going to list the first 10 attraction principles that will help you become so popular with women that you will wonder why you had tried them before. Of course I welcome your feedback in the comments of this blog about your experiences testing these principles out with the women in your life. If you are a woman and are reading this, then I would like to invite you to give me feedback by adding a comment about what you consider to be important attraction principles for women.

Attraction Principle #1

If you find that all the women you are interested in love you & leave you, then you may need to change your approach from hunt to woo! Woo means humble yourself & treat them like the superior beings that they know they are!

Attraction Principle #2

Show the women you are with that you care…. about them, about the environment, about poverty, about suffering in the world, about children, about animals…….

Attraction Principle #3

Challenge a woman mentally by having interesting conversations about the world and your own personal development and then ask her about her own path of development. (In that order! Sport is banned unless she brings it up in conversation!)

Attraction Principle #4

Ask the woman you are with how she likes to be communicated with & how often as we all have our preferences. Then do it exactly how she likes it – email or phone or IM & as many times a day she wants!

Attraction Principle #5

Understand that most men are dependent on women but hide that fact from themselves and others. The world will keep on turning without women but it would be a pretty dry, desolate & boring place without us! So celebrate the fact that men need women and appreciate that they make your life & the world a richer place!

Attraction Principle #6

It is your attitude about yourself that a woman will see quite quickly. So if you are only concerned about yourself, you’re not in the race!

Attraction Principle #7

Believe that she is a prize and act accordingly!

Attraction Principle #8

Be very afraid of the strengths of a woman, from her intuition to her instincts, you have more than met your match!

Attraction Principle #9

If you treat a woman with dignity, she knows that you recognize her feminine power and will shower you with her favor!

Attraction Principle #10

Most women like men who have their own lives and interests apart from a relationship but are ready to be flexible when she says that she is the priority!

Here is another funny video from the Irish comedian, Dylan Moran with some comments on the whole deal of relationships!

I saw a great movie this week; it was ‘Shop Girl’ with Steve Martin. It was brilliant and gave extreme examples of emotional distance and intimacy.

We all have very different levels of emotional distance for others and obviously different relationships call forth varying levels of emotional distance for each of us! I am told I am a pretty warm person and in fact enjoy sharing that warmth and emotional closeness with others as I benefit from it too. However I have my moments when I can become ‘The Ice Queen’ and find it’s a wonderful way to keep others away or protect myself from emotional hurt. It comes with the territory of being a Cancer Sun – it helps to have a hard protective shell at times to protect the soft tender parts from being damaged in relationships or the world. It is only when we are with those we are very close to that it is important to keep oneself emotionally present, as much as is possible for each of us. Then we can share more intimacy as we share those vulnerabilities we have to protect with others who are not so welcome in our inner sanctum. If you are in relationship it is important to communicate to your partner when you need to take time out and have some emotional distance. It is important too, not to take this personally when your partner needs that time to reflect or be alone. It isn’t all about moi! Sometimes that time may be short and at other times longer depending on what you are going through in your life. Keep communicating about where you are at & checking in with your partner to make sure they are clear about your distance, being very clear that you cannot look after their emotional needs at this time. Understanding grows out of communication! If it goes on for too long & your partner will let you know if you are not aware of how long, too long is, then it is time to go talk to someone. A coach, therapist or counselor may be necessary at crucial points in the life to make the going easier, smoother & less painful.

xkcd

From XKCD – It’s Complicated!

However the movie depicts a man who remained emotionally distant within a close relationship with a woman.

‘Mirabelle: Ray, why don’t you love me? Are you just biding your time with me?
Ray Porter: I thought you understood.
Mirabelle: So, I can either hurt now or hurt later.’

Permanently staying emotionally distant in a relationship is like not really being in a relationship at all!

‘As Ray Porter watches Mirabelle walk away he feels a loss. How is it possible, he thinks, to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance so that when she was gone he would not miss her. Only then does he realize that wanting part of her and not all of her had hurt them both and how he cannot justify his actions except that… well… it was life.’

It also features another man who is a little naive but has an overdose of willingness & enthusiasm to share love with the same woman.

‘Mirabelle: Are you the kind of person that takes time to get to know, and then once you get to know them… they’re fabulous?
Jeremy Kraft: Yes, absolutely… What?’

There are appropriate and inappropriate times to be emotionally distant!

Here’s some Irish humor, Dylan Moran reflecting on absence & presence in relationships! Enjoy!

In relationships, as in life, do not underestimate the power of kindness. In fact it may be the one human attribute that can really make a difference and change the color of your day or life! From my experience, there are a few rules of kindness which I have listed as per below:

• The first rule is that kindness starts at home! This means that you must apply kindness to yourself before you extend it to others. Please note that I am not encouraging martyrdom! Remember on an airplane that in an emergency you are asked to put on your own oxygen mask first, then put them on children or those that need your help. It makes sense that if you are being kind to yourself, you cannot help but be kind to others in your immediate vicinity. If you ignore this first step then your ability to be kind to others will be tainted by manipulation and unconscious motivation that may not truly serve them or you in the long run
• The second rule is to be kind to those within your immediate personal vicinity. Your partner and anyone that you are personally responsible for such as children or older relatives would come into this category.

Day of Kindness

• Because you are practicing kindness toward yourself, you probably are already aware of the third rule. However I’m going to tell you anyway - you need to ask the question ‘What do you need?’ This is an important step because it helps the recipient clarify & find their own answer to that question and respond if they choose. (You have already practiced kindness by just being interested enough to ask this question!)
• You can extend out now as your enjoyment increases! Be kind to those with whom you work! As you may or may not know, most of us spend more time at work than at home. Watch your work environment slowly transform into a happier place, at least in your immediate vicinity.

Kind puppy

• Be kind to strangers when you feel it is appropriate & safe. You can trust yourself to know when that is now, because you have your own infallible sense. This is because now you are practicing kindness towards yourself.
• The wonderful thing about kindness is that it keeps on returning to you without you having to do anything. It may not return directly from those to whom you have been kind. You have created a kindness channel & pipeline and it becomes self generating now.

Kindness trials

• Celebrate the transformation that your random acts of kindness are creating in the world!

I have a rather unusual take on loneliness. I find it precious and encourage people to form a relationship with their experience of loneliness. This guarantees that we don’t throw our loneliness at partners or potential partners & expect them to look after it or entertain us to distract us from it. This is the sure way to scare anyone off, even someone who really cares about us. Loneliness comes out of time spent alone; this can be short periods or longer periods. The point where it becomes loneliness is different for all of us. Some of us need large amounts of time alone and smaller in company with others. Others like less time alone, maybe no time at all. Then there are times in our lives when we need more time alone due to circumstances and also other times less time due to other circumstances.

fish out of water

When we go over & above time required alone, then usually we can feel our loneliness. It actually lives deep inside us and emanates from our soul. It is related to the core of our humanity. It is important not to be afraid of it, not to avoid it & not to distract ourselves when we feel lonely. Because when we relate it is the part of us that takes us eagerly & willingly to relate to the other. It meets another’s loneliness in recognition and understanding. It means we can then dance together.

tulip falling aside

In our culture it is still frowned upon to spend ‘too much time on your own’. No one else can determine for each of us what is too much or too little. We all have our own individual requirements and it is important not to judge others by our own standards or needs. When we are comfortable to sit with our own loneliness, we can then even create a little more time alone when in a relationship, if we choose. We can then reinvigorate our loneliness and its joy in meeting our partner’s loneliness when we come together in a relationship. This is commonly called missing someone. People in long distance relationships are familiar with this because the appreciation of the other and the relationship stays strong through physical separation.

gnome alone

We can feel lonely in relationships too and this can be the hardest kind of loneliness. This can happen when each person is no longer aware of their own or their partner’s loneliness or is ignoring it. Walls are developed so we can’t feel our own loneliness and the other’s. We effectively cut ourselves off emotionally from our partner & so we can separate. This usually occurs long before a couple physically separate.

lotus alone

At the beginning of every relationship it is important to agree the demarcation lines that will suit both. Both people can create the right mix of alone time & together time to make the relationship a perfect match! If you have comments on this way of thinking, I would appreciate your feedback below.

candle alone

In summary I thought you would enjoy this video for a chuckle about loneliness: