This time of year the pre-holiday Madness can easily turn to Loneliness!  I don't like this time of year & usually apply an antidote by retreating & renewing my energies for the coming new year.  This works for me and many people think ME mad!   Despite that fact many people around me complain about this time of year & so I decided to put together a list of remedies to help prevent the Holiday Madness from turning to Loneliness.

A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell. George Bernard Shaw

The Guardian ran a post titled 'Lonely this Christmas amid holiday cheer' in which they say:

Spending the festive season as a patient on a mental health service ward may be better than waiting out a stressful long weekend, writes Clare Allan

Christmas, as well as being a long weekend (four days long this year, in fact four days long for the next four years, I have just, with some horror, worked out) presents a cocktail of additional stresses. Few who have imbibed it can wonder at the fact that as well as being the season of peace and good will, Christmas is also peak suicide time, and a good sleigh length ahead of the rest when it comes to psychiatric admissions.

O, let me not be mad, not mad, sweet heaven! Keep me in temper. I would not be mad. William Shakespeare

Another post titled 'Holiday Loneliness' quotes:

While most of us can successfully weather a few hours — or days — of the holiday blues, some 20 percent of people — roughly 60 million Americans — feel sufficiently socially isolated for it to be a major source of unhappiness in their lives. In fact, many lonely people are surrounded by friends and family, yet don’t feel close to any of them. Such intimate isolation — the feeling that no one understands who you are — appears to be on the rise. A study by sociologists at Duke University and the University of Arizona found that between 1985 and 2004 the average number of friends with whom Americans felt they could “discuss important matters” had dropped from three to two. The number who said they had no one with whom they could discuss important matters more than doubled to nearly 25 percent.

In a mad world, only the mad are sane. Akiro Kurosawa

Whether you have a partner or not here a few tips so that you dont become overwhelmed during this time of year.

• Take time out for yourselves in the run up to the holidays & identify what is important to you
• Make sure that you action some of the points on that list during the holidays
• Have some quiet time at least once a day, even if that means asking for it from those close to you
• Dont contribute to the madness by putting yourself or anyone else under pressure to do anything they dont want to do from their heart

He is mad past recovery, but yet he has lucid intervals. Miguel De Cervantes

• Have unproductive time where you just relax and enjoy every day with no inner recriminations
• Eat healthily & say no to all the food that you know disagrees with you
• Have a deep & meaningful conversation once a day with someone who you respect
• Have a good laugh once a day
• Put YOU back into the Holidays rather than filling up the time with others, no matter how much they mean to you
• Above all remember ALONE does not equal LONELY

These tips work for me, let me know what works for you in the comments below so we are all well prepared for next holiday season.  I will leave you with a funny video from 'Smack the Donkey' about being alone on the holidays.  Enjoy.....

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh0bUolvCMI&feature=related[/youtube]

Related articles by Zemanta

• Still coming down from Christmas...

If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

The credit crunch has everyone reassessing their lives & changing their behavior (which can definitely be a positive thing) & not spending as much as they have in the past.  After writing my post last week in which I negatively commented on Dr Pepper Schwartz's article encouraging people to get a partner to weather the 'tough economic times', I thought a little more on the subject.  This week I also read an interesting Reuter's article titled 'Falling stock markets spur searches for love online' and I quote them below:

As stock markets across the globe have plummeted, more people have opted to try their luck looking for love online as a distraction from financial woes -- and to save themselves money, according to dating Web sites.

It got me thinking about what reasons people would go online to look for a date, more than in more settled times.  I have attempted to put a list together of reasons below.

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. Ronald Reagan

• This is a reference to a 'Broadstuff' post this week titled 'Stop Right Now How Old is Your Business Plan' in which I added a comment regarding the increase in online dating during the credit crunch.  Alan P responded with a comment:

I have heard the same - apparently bored unemployed bankers are now going dating online for their thrills, and condom sales have jumped 15% in the last 3 months. Alan P.

• People feel lonelier when they are being faced with challenges?  This obviously isnt true for everyone but challenges can certainly make us more vulnerable.  Its the vulnerable part of us that wants relationship that can act like a bubble wrap protection from the 'reality factor' of external challenges.
• Its a great way to save on heating at nite - find someone to cuddle up to?  See this Independent article 'Lonely Log on to Find Love in a Cold Climate'.
• Men may be particularly stressed at this time as they can often be deeply invested in their outer world career & money.  Their self esteem can easily be tied to these pieces.  Women are often more caring & nurturing & so there is a ready sympathetic audience with whom to relate.

There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. Unknown

• There are plenty of free online dating sites which can save money to meet people rather than live venues.  However this doesn't explain why paid dating sites have experienced an increase of people signing up?  Except in the scale of economy, $29 for online dating is still cheaper than going to a venue to meet someone, lasts longer & increases your odds?
• Finding a partner = sharing costs in rent, food & all other life necessities.  It is generally cheaper for two to live together than one by themselves.

When I had no work and all this time on my hands, I couldn't get a date. Now that I have women banging on my door, I have no time to answer it. Scott Wolf

• Sex and love can be be like alcohol or drugs with an intoxicating effect which can help a person forget about their life troubles.  The pain can be temporarily numbed!

Get to know two things about a man. How he earns his money and how he spends it. You will then have the clue to his character. You will have a searchlight that shows up the inmost recesses of his soul. You know all you need to know about his standards, his motives, his driving desires, his real religion. Robert J. Mccracken

• Finding a mate gives you someone with whom to moan or winge about your troubles?
• You have someone to borrow money from who is unlikely to refuse it when you need it!

My limited imagination only could come up with these points, but I bet some of my readers will have some even better ideas.  Please add your thoughts to the comments...

I will leave you with a funny video from 'The Onion' which like to take off the current news.  Enjoy....

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5StHRrfUKgk&feature=PlayList&p=C71F51EA4F0E87E5&playnext=1&index=5[/youtube]

Today I am back to reviewing the online dating sites with the focus on Perfectmatch.com's Duet.  Their claims on the website are as per below:

"Finality is death. Perfection is finality. Nothing is perfect. There are lumps in it, said the Philosopher." James Stephens

The Duet® Total Compatibility System identifies the essential elements of your personality.  Written and developed by Dr. Pepper Schwartz and the Perfectmatch.com team, the Duet® Total Compatibility System is the only system of its kind. Duet® doesn't just match people just on similar character traits. It actually describes and explains complete personality types. And, our unique test is the only one grounded in research on the individual characteristics that matter, including traits your partner should share and which ones should be different. Duet® has proven to be the most sophisticated and effective than any romantic matching tool on or off the Internet.

The questionnaire did not take that long to complete, or is that I am getting really good & fast at doing these things???   It held my attention & I was able to move through it reasonably quickly.

"Have no fear of perfection-you'll never reach it." Salvador Dali

• Romantic Impulsivity: Here’s where we determine the level of romantic risk you're comfortable taking. For example, people at one end of the spectrum would make a romantic commitment based on little information. Those at the other end of the spectrum would insist on getting to know a potential partner for a long period of time before making a commitment They want to be be very, very sure of that person's suitability. The answers to this series of questions will help us determine where you fall on the spectrum.
• Self-Nurturing: This characteristic measures the way you nurture your emotional needs. Some people seek comfort from the significant person in their life when they are hurt or need positive reinforcement. Others prefer to deal with their problems without outside help. The answers to these questions will determine your pattern of Emotional Sustenance, and will help us identify someone who will complement your style.
• Emotionality: The following questions evaluate how you usually react under conditions of anxiety or conflict or at emotionally important moments. These questions help us understand who's right for you based upon whether you are intensely expressive or more reserved.

• Personal Energy: Your personal intensity and pace with which you approach life really affect the sorts of people that you are compatible with. Your energy level and intensity when it comes to work, play, and love are important factors in identifying this aspect of your personality.

• Outlook: This portion of our compatibility test looks at your outlook. Your expectations about life and the people you meet are critical to finding your perfect match. It is important to know whether you are a "glass half empty" or a "glass half full" kind of person when we identify the best potential perfect matches for you.

• Predictability: Here's where we determine the extent to which you take comfort in familiarity. Do you prefer a life of treasured habits, places, and people that are tried and true? Or, do you thrive on innovation, seeking out new places and adventures and engaging with a variety of people and experiences?

• Flexibility: Are you flexible about whether people are on time or not, whether plans fall through, how your partner acts on any given day, or even what is the best way to raise a child? Or are you sure that things should be done a certain way or feel uncomfortable if plans change unpredictably? By understanding how attached you are to order and consistency, we will have a critical piece of information as we identify your perfect matches.

• Decision Making Style: This is a critical factor in determining relationship compatibility. It's all about how you share or gather your power. You may prefer to let someone direct emotional issues and everyday decisions. Or you may resist anyone leading but yourself. Or you might also seek a more collaborative relationship style. It's important to be honest about where you feel most comfortable. Knowing yourself well on this factor will make the search for the right partner much more successful.

"The bottom line is that (a) people are never perfect, but love can be, (b) that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and (c) doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." Tom Robbins

How did I score?  Good question, brief & to the point as per below:

Your Similarity Test Results - RAOV  Risk Taker, High Energy, Optimistic, Seeks Variety
You are an unleashed personality. You hold nothing back and are willing to put it all on the line, act quickly and expect success. If you fail, you expect success the next time - or certainly, eventually. You also like change, because a changing environment means new opportunity, another chance or an even better mate. Too much predictability in life scares you. You don't want a partner that will hold you back, so you probably should look for someone who is a forward charging person like yourself. At the very least, not timid.

Pretty simplistic profile which is partly true but does not cover the complexity of me & my relationships.  Without boring you by quoting their feedback. they seem to cover both a similar match & an opposite match???  This obviously makes them right whichever way you bend, but I wondered why Dr Pepper Schwartz & her team cant' make up her mind on this one?????

Last but not least the latest article by Dr Pepper Schwartz (which to me seems like a bit of a hard sell & somewhat patronizing as it discounts the strengthening of character that develops when someone faces any challenge alone????) states:

Seven Billion Reasons to Find Love Now!
Dr. Pepper Schwartz We all are aware we're going through a rough period in our country. The economy stands on the abyss, ($700 billion - incredible!), home values continue to drop, mortgages are harder to get then ever, much less support and gas prices have become a line item in everyone's budget.  It's hard to face these challenges. But, the worst possible way is to face them alone.

I would rate Perfectmatch's Duet 7 out of 10 - the feedback about matching after completion of the test lets the whole system down.  However it wasn't too hard to get the questionnaire completed.  I figure its more fun to check out the astrological horoscope to see what the individual needs for a good match & then look at the relationship composite chart to see how the match really will be experienced.  For speed & accuracy this is hard to beat & this tool has been practised for centuries.  What has been your experience with Perfectmatch, let me know in the comments?

I will leave you with a funny video by Michael Gelbart - The Dating Doctor.  Hysterical.... enjoy.....

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWqq5T1UAWY&feature=related[/youtube]

Related articles by Zemanta

• How to Choose a Dating Site
• Nobody Thinks Online Dating Is A Substitute For The Real Thing

As a relief & change from the onslaught of online dating site relationship assessment reviews that I have been blogging about for the last couple of months, this post on the gender gap has been triggered by a few online articles I recently read.

Back in the days when men were hunters and chest beaters and women spent their whole lives worrying about pregnancy or dying in childbirth, they often had to be taken against their will. Men complained that women were cold, unresponsive, frigid. They wanted their women wanton. They wanted their women wild. Now women were finally learning to be wanton and wild -- and what happened? The men wilted. Erica Jong

I read a New York Times article recently 'As Barriers Disappear, Some Gender Gaps Widen'

Great picture above and interesting studies that were quoted in the article, personality assessments were used to study the differences between men & women.  To quote from the article:

It looks as if personality differences between men and women are smaller in traditional cultures like India’s or Zimbabwe’s than in the Netherlands or the United States.
The biggest changes recorded by the researchers involve the personalities of men, not women. Men in traditional agricultural societies and poorer countries seem more cautious and anxious, less assertive and less competitive than men in the most progressive and rich countries of Europe and North America.
“Humanity’s jaunt into monotheism, agriculturally based economies and the monopolization of power and resources by a few men was ‘unnatural’ in many ways,” Dr. Schmitt says, alluding to evidence that hunter-gatherers were relatively egalitarian. “In some ways modern progressive cultures are returning us psychologically to our hunter-gatherer roots,” he argues. “That means high sociopolitical gender equality over all, but with men and women expressing predisposed interests in different domains. Removing the stresses of traditional agricultural societies could allow men’s, and to a lesser extent women’s, more ‘natural’ personality traits to emerge.”
Some critics of this hypothesis question whether the international variations in personality have more to do with the way people in different cultures interpret questions on personality tests.
This large gender gap has persisted for two decades in all kinds of races — high school and college meets, elite and nonelite road races — and it jibes with other studies reporting that male runners train harder and are more motivated by competition, Dr. Deaner says. This enduring “sex difference in competitiveness,” he concludes, “must be considered a genuine failure for the sociocultural conditions hypothesis” that the personality gap will shrink as new roles open for women.
If he and Dr. Schmitt are right, then men and women shouldn’t expect to understand each other much better anytime soon. Things could get confusing if the personality gap widens further as the sexes become equal.

Women have got to make the world safe for men since men have made it so darned unsafe for women. Lady Nancy Astor

The other article from USA Today Blog was, The perfect match: Who makes an ideal wife for a successful man? A new reality show points Cupid in the wrong direction

Certainly, the dating market for successful men and women is complicated. The conventional wisdom that men don't want to be outdone by their wives has some basis in fact. Columbia Business School economist Ray Fisman has run many experiments over the years in which he recruits Columbia graduate students to try "speed dating," where men and women meet several potential partners for a few minutes apiece. Time after time, he found that men were a lot less likely to follow up with dates whom they perceived as more intelligent or ambitious than they are.
Men's attitudes have been evolving over the past century. A study of women born in the 1920s found that smart women were less likely to marry, but Fisman's modern male graduate students did exhibit a preference for intelligence and ambition in women — to a point. "What seemed to be the magic number is whatever the man thought of himself," Fisman says.
In other words, an extremely ambitious man who started a $30 million business would probably prefer an attractive doctor or businesswoman — as long as her ambitions didn't exceed his own — to someone with more limited aspirations. In his sample, Fisman says, "men are not looking for someone who is just going to bear their children and make them sandwiches every day. They're looking for a little more than that."
According to a Harris Interactive Poll commissioned for Christine Whelan's 2006 book Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women, 85% of single high-achieving men said they were looking for a wife who is as or more ambitious than they are. People lie to pollsters; men might lie about the "more" part. But there's no reason to doubt the "as." One reason the rich are getting richer in the USA is that high-earning men and women are marrying each other.

It is not women's fault if we are so tender. It is in the nature of the lives we live. And further, it would be a terrible catastrophe if men had to live men's lives and women's also. Which is precisely what has happened today -- to women. Selma James

The last article from New Scientist has a great title, Nerds rejoice: Braininess boosts likelihood of sex

"There could be aspects of intelligence that we pick up on when we interact with a person and that affect our assessment of them, even if we wouldn't label it as intelligence," she says.
But some things never change. Looks were still a much more powerful predictor of sex appeal than brains. "Women are still going for the hunk," Prokosch says. "If you had an option to pick from five different people, you would pick the most attractive one."
So in a perfect world, women want a Nobel prize winner with movie-star looks. Creativity also proved to be a sought-after trait, and Prokosch's team is currently working on an objective measure of creativity, similar to the intelligence test they used.
However, in a world of limited resources, not every woman gets what she wants, and some are bound to fall for ugly, unintelligent and uncreative men. "There's always other people out there that find everything attractive," Prokosch says.

So what do you think about these studies & theories in the ongoing challenges of the gender gap?  Would love to hear your comments, ideas & feedback in the Comments below.  In the meantime I would like to leave with you a very funny video that has 2 ads one about women & one about men.  Stereotypes but funny none the less, enjoy.......
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okhVgilwtrE&feature=PlayList&p=2E1EFF41E2231905&index=0[/youtube]

eHarmony's Relationship Assessment goes under the microscope today.  It certainly takes a while to complete & is not very entertaining or interesting to complete.  I have had a lot of feedback that some people appreciate the personality assessment but that many men don't complete it on the site and therefore it doesn't help the women to gage a good match.

To help you stick with the process whilst completing the questionnaire, there is a comment from the founder of eHarmony:

This process may seem long, but I believe it will be so worthwhile for you--just as it has been for so many others before.  Dr. Neil Clark Warren

The questionnaire was unremarkable and some people may find it difficult to hold their interest.  I will share my results as per below, as I turned out to be 'Agreeable'?

Introduction to Agreeableness
This section of your profile describes your interactions with other people. The ways we communicate our feelings, beliefs and ideas to others are influenced by our cultural backgrounds, the way we were raised, and sometimes which side of the bed we got up on this morning. Some of us are very mindful of others making decisions we hope will be in their best interests, even if it means sometimes neglecting our own interests. Others of us believe each person should be responsible for themselves, taking deep pride in our own character and independence with a firm belief that others are best served by doing the same. The following describes how you engage with others; illustrating the dimension of your personality that determines your independence or your desire to reach out and touch others in meaningful ways.
You are best described as:
CONSISTENTLY TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
Words that describe you:
Uncompromising; Frank; Astute; Critical; Empirical; Tough; Discerning; Skeptical; Shrewd
A General Description of How You Interact with Others
When someone needs your help or wants you to do something you think before you act. See, at heart you believe deeply in personal freedom and individual responsibility. You think it is vital that people learn to take care of themselves so that they don't become dependent upon others. You believe that actions have consequences, and people need to accept the consequences of their actions if they are to learn from their mistakes and grow. You believe you wouldn't be doing anyone a favor if you lift someone out of trouble; they will never learn to lift themselves up if you keep rescuing them. And if you keep giving people a second, third or fourth chance, you have seen that people seldom develop the character they need to live decent and responsible lives.
You believe that compassion has a role to play in your life, in a structure of values that is encourages people to take care of themselves. Uncritical tenderheartedness does as much harm as good. You much prefer if people understand, in factual, empirical terms, how they got into trouble, and how they can lift themselves out of the mess they are in. In an emergency, of course, you're there to offer help and if someone has helped you out in the past there is no question about your loyalty. But whenever it is realistic, you are convinced people should take care of themselves.
Along with this you devote adequate time to taking care of your own needs and wants, in part because it makes you happy with your life and in part because that's what you truly believe every person should do. You cherish personal independence for yourself and others. Fostering such independence is the best way you find there is to love and care for others.
Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward YouYour emphasis on personal independence and personal responsibility may seem to lack in compassion to some people. Undoubtedly you have encountered people who feel this way toward you. And some may find you to be rather selfish. You do stay focused on your own life, take responsibility for your own problems, and are not always moved by situations in which some people think some action is required. That is part of you and your basic beliefs about life. And some people will inevitably want you to be different, but that is simply not who you are.
Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
You're true to your beliefs and you hold yourself to the same expectations as you do with others. You are critical and tough with yourself, which gives you a consistency when you are critical and tough with others. And even when others don't agree with you, people are likely to admire your frankness. You say what you believe, even if what you believe runs counter to the motives and beliefs of others.
And you keep reminding people of two things that few people can argue with, even if they don't believe in them with your single-mindedness. Personal independence and personal responsibility matter to most people, and even the very compassionate admit that sometimes their hearts get in the way of what their heads know, which is to say that people should take care of themselves whenever they are able to do so. You remind people of this, in the honest way you live your own life and in the ways in which you respond, and don't respond, to other people

I have to say that I wasn't that impressed by the personality assessment - very basic & simple & even a bit inaccurate????  However if I would be willing to pay the rates to become a Premium Member then I could see potential match's photos & get a more indepth report.  No thanks....

The assessment was developed by Dr Neil Clarke & colleague as quoted on their site:

In 1997, after 35 years practicing as a clinical psychologist and counseling thousands of married couples, Dr. Neil Clark Warren had come to believe that there was a better way to find love than leaving it up to chance. He knew from his experience in clinical work that although some American marriages were ending in divorce, many others were deeply satisfying unions of two fulfilled individuals. He observed that, in many cases, the marriages that endured were composed of compatible people, while marriages that deteriorated often did so because the differences between the individuals became harder to resolve over time. What if he could define the traits most likely to lead to relationship success? Could certain characteristics predict compatibility and lead to more satisfying relationships?
Dr. Warren set out to test this theory in collaboration with Dr. Galen Buckwalter, then a research professor at the University of Southern California. They sought to identify the characteristics between spouses that were consistently associated with the most successful relationships. After three years of research and development, they successfully identified the key dimensions of personality that predicted compatibility and the potential for long-term relationship success.

I could have saved them a lot of trouble & time as my astrological relationship algorithms work much better with much clearer & more detailed information.  It has been supported not only by my 30 years experience but also validated as astrology has been used for centuries to assist us to live better lives.

Some comments from Pandagon:

I once filled in their questionnaire when I was an intern at a place that wanted to create their own dating service. They went all over the Internet looking for surveys to try so that we could learn more about how they worked: typical questions, typical time to fill out the survey, etc…

e-Harmony took me two bloody days! It was insane! It was so elaborate and filled with so much weird stuff. I just remember wanting to cry after about the 40th page of questions. And then, since I was already married, when they started trying to send me out on dates I had to say no.

The other weird thing about e-Harmony is that they don’t let you get into direct contact with matches. I believe they are the “middle man” until you meet.

I would give eHarmony's assessment only a 4 out of 10, not really good enough even though Dr Neil Clarke spent so many  years working on it??? I'll leave you with this funny spoof of eHarmony's adds about the match between Google & YouTube.  Enjoy....

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-6qbSqfHAw&feature=related[/youtube]

Related articles by Zemanta

• eHarmony ditches its 'one-night stand' advice newsletter