border crossings

how can we be ourselves and still enjoy successful relationships? One of the biggest issues I have found is that we need to define our boundaries in relationships. The dictionary meaning of the word boundary is ‘something that indicates a border or limit’. Everything in nature is defined by a boundary and this keeps entities intact, true to their integrity and able to function as they were meant. The smallest cell is an example of this process.

sea boundary

Our boundaries really need to be based on a realistic perspective of who we are and what we can offer those around us and of course what they want and can use. In ancient Greece, the foundation of Western civilization today,“Gnothi se auton” “Know Thyself” was carved on the entrance to the Sun god, Apollo’s, Oracle of Delphi temple. If we plan on living together or sharing our lives intimately with another, then it makes sense to invest time in defining and maintaining our borders. In our professional lives, where we don’t even have this kind of expectation, we seem to go to much more trouble and effort? Underlying this imbalance is the fact that our culture places the highest value on work and money and undervalues the personal life, of which our relationships are the vessel. We often only pay attention when we have problems in a relationship or when someone is no longer happy.

Broadly speaking when relating, we can fall into two roles. I know in reality we often take up somewhere in the middle between these extremes. The Autocrat is the dominant role where we extend our boundaries to include everyone and everything in our immediate personal range. The origins of the word autocrat are from the Greek autokrates meaning ‘ruling by oneself’. What more can I say? Then we have The Invisible Person, who tends to dissolve their boundaries to the point that they are no longer visible to themselves or anyone else. They allow others to overrun their own boundaries, so that their presence & needs are barely perceptible.

rabbit boundary

The word relationship comes from the Latin relationem meaning “a bringing back, restoring” and gives a hint that relationship first with self and then others, can restore us to our own integrity. When I was young my father, a lover of great literature, marked important events in my life when he would quote Shakespeare: ‘This above all: to thine own self be true; And it must follow, as the night the day; Thou canst not then be false to any man.’ William Shakespeare (1564 – 1616), ‘Hamlet,’ Act I, Scene iii

This process is similar to the process of osmosis, in which water molecules move from an area of high concentration to an area of low concentration. When a cell is placed in a high concentration of solute, the water diffuses out of the cell, causing the cell to shrivel. The Invisible Person disappears from view and often loses her sense of self, when in relationship. When a cell is placed in a low concentration of solute, the water diffuses into the cell, causing the cell to swell and possibly explode.
The Autocrat takes up all the surrounding space until there is nothing left to relate to outside of them or until their power driven anger causes them to explode like that little cell!

When a cell is placed in the same concentration of solute, the water diffuses into and out of the cell at the same rate, just like the fluid that surrounds our body cells. It seems it is only possible to nurture each other in a balanced way, when we are naturally ourselves & holding our own borders accountable to ourselves. Then the fluid of Love flows naturally promoting healthy relationship growth for everyone!

Here are some questions to ask yourself to gauge where you are with this issue:

• Are you aware of what ideal partner would work well with you: have you written your male/female order?
• Have you assessed potential partners on the basis of these two crucial pieces of information?
• When you meet potential partners, do you ask the right questions to determine their suitability for you?
• Are you honest in our responses to their questions?
• Do you determine through their actions and yours, during the first few days, weeks or months whether this relationship is functioning in a positive and healthy manner so that both your needs are being addressed?
• Do you check in with your partner to determine after an initial period, so as to honestly assess how they are experiencing the collaboration with you?
• Do you also give feedback about your own experience?

sky boundary

These two rather extreme roles originate from the same core experiences of fear and insecurity. You have to become comfortable within your own skin – vulnerabilities and strengths acknowledged. Confidence is the major factor in developing the ability to be responsible and vigilant about your own boundaries so that there are no unwanted border crossings…

This funny video shows that border crossings often happen when we are not paying attention:

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