the bravado of bullying

I have radical opinions and solutions to bullying, so please do not read any further unless you want to feel a little rattled in your concepts and ideas.

bully puppy

Bullying can occur whenever someone is not comfortable with their own vulnerability around particular issues. They may use bullying tactics to protect themselves from this discovery by others. When someone is being attacked then it is unlikely that they will investigate what is happening initially.  They will however instinctively try to protect themselves. It takes real courage to face a bully or bullying situation with a cold eye, but it also takes a degree of perception and sensitivity. In our Western culture vulnerability is generally seen as weakness and shameful! It can be difficult for individuals to go against the general trend in their environment by fostering compassion and understanding of any vulnerabilities in self.

From my personal experience and coaching work with clients both ‘bullies’ or ‘victims of bullies’, it has been helpful to focus on what vulnerabilities are involved in the dynamic between both. If a perpetrator of bullying behavior feels inadequate in one area then they may resort to bullying others by whom they feel threatened or who remind them of their own weaknesses. I think the resolution to bullying goes further than ignoring ‘bullies’ and punishment. The first step could be taking a rather hard & honest assessment of the relationship dynamics for both parties.

A ‘victim of bullying’ can often appear more self reflective, however they are actually blind-sided by their own lack of confidence. It is the areas of self where they have low self esteem that they cannot easily and objectively assess for it is colored by the negativity they feel about themselves.

crow bully

‘Bullies’ or perpetrators of bullying towards others may appear not to be self reflective at all. It comes with the territory! Reaction to perceived threat or potential recognition of their own vulnerabilities, by themselves or others. Both parties have a particular type of reaction which is an automatic response to stimulus immediately and implies lack of reflection. Control is the underlying need for both parties and sometimes couples can find themselves locked in a spiral of habitual patterns that stimulates this reactive behavior. I even object to the label ‘bully’ as it becomes as fixed as a jail sentence so that the individual may continue the behavior out of habit! The perpetrator of bullying wants control of a situation or relationship where they feel very vulnerable and out of control. The victim of bullying wants control of the pain & hurt that is caused by the bullying and so accommodates their behavior to adapt to the perpetrator’s needs. As a result neither is being honest or authentic in the dynamic! Control is a healthy impulse to create order in a chaotic universe that is inhabited by others (who don’t have our best interests at heart) and the sheer force of nature which appears to have no heart at all! Control can be appropriate or inappropriate depending on the situation and both parties involved in bullying may not have the overview or perception to realize that their need for control can be exerted in ways that are beneficial to self and others, rather than the destructive patterns of bullying. Bullying dynamics bring mass destruction for both parties through stress, pain and hurt.

bully dogs

The antidote is consciousness of our own motivations and areas of vulnerability, so that we can exert a positive form control through self development work or collaboration with a coach or therapist. This is guaranteed to benefit both parties, even if only one person applies themselves to this path. If one person changes then the pattern falls down and cannot be perpetuated.

candy bully

An interesting rave about bullying is a book from Sam Horn called Take the Bully by the Horns: Stop Unethical, Uncooperative or Unpleasant People from Running or Ruining your Life.

One of my fave tv shows is ‘Scrubs’, its a very funny show, exposing as it does the inner thoughts of the main character, JD, in a virtual double alongside the main characters. Here is a great video of one of the shows, highlighting the bullying relationship with JD & The Janitor, enjoy….