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I have radical opinions and solutions to bullying, so please do not read any further unless you want to feel a little rattled in your concepts and ideas.

Bullying can occur whenever someone is not comfortable with their own vulnerability around particular issues. They may use bullying tactics to protect themselves from this discovery by others. When someone is being attacked then it is unlikely that they will investigate what is happening initially, but will instinctively try to protect themselves. It takes real courage to face a bully or bullying situation with a cold eye, but it also takes a degree of perception and sensitivity. In our Western culture vulnerability is generally seen as weakness and shameful! It can be difficult for individuals to go against the general trend in their environment by fostering compassion and understanding of any vulnerabilities in self.

From my personal experience and coaching work with clients both ‘bullies’ or ‘victims of bullies’, it has been helpful to focus on what vulnerabilities are involved in the dynamic between both. If a perpetrator of bullying behaviour feels inadequate in one area then they may resort to bullying others by whom they feel threatened or who remind them of their own weaknesses. I think the resolution to bullying goes further than ignoring ‘bullies’ and punishment. The first step could be taking a rather hard & honest assessment of the relationship dynamics for both parties.

A ‘victim of bullying’ can often appear more self reflective, however they are actually blind sided by their own lack of confidence. It is the areas of self where they have low self esteem that they cannot easily and objectively assess for it is coloured by the negativity they feel about themselves.

‘Bullies’ or perpetrators of bullying towards others may appear not to be self reflective at all. It comes with the territory! Reaction to perceived threat or potential recognition of their own vulnerabilities, by themselves or others. Both parties have a particular type of reaction which is an automatic response to stimulus immediately and implies lack of reflection. Control is the underlying need for both parties and sometimes couples can find themselves locked in a spiral of habitual patterns that stimulates this reactive behaviour. I even object to the label ‘bully’ as it becomes as fixed as a jail sentence so that the individual may continue the behaviour out of habit! The perpetrator of bullying wants control of a situation or relationship where they feel very vulnerable and out of control. The victim of bullying wants control of the pain & hurt that is caused by the bullying and so accommodates their behaviour to adapt to the perpetrator’s needs. As a result neither is being honest or authentic in the dynamic! Control is a healthy impulse to create order in a chaotic universe that is inhabited by others (who don’t have our best interests at heart) and the sheer force of nature which appears to have no heart at all! Control can be appropriate or inappropriate depending on the situation and both parties involved in bullying may not have the overview or perception to realise that their need for control can be exerted in ways that are beneficial to self and others, rather than the destructive patterns of bullying. Bullying dynamics bring mass destruction for both parties through stress, pain and hurt.

The antidote is consciousness of our own motivations and areas of vulnerability, so that we can exert a positive form control through self development work or collaboration with a coach or therapist. This is guaranteed to benefit both parties, even if only one person applies themselves to this path. If one person changes then the pattern falls down and cannot be perpetuated.

One of my fave tv shows is ‘Scrubs’, its a very funny show, exposing as it does the inner thoughts of the main character, JD, in a virtual double alongside the main characters. Here is a great video of one of the shows, highlighting the bullying relationship with JD & The Janitor, enjoy….

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Change can be a challenge, it requires attention and time and effort! Example, when we change countries from Ireland to the US and have to pay a lot of attention to on what side of the road we are driving or what side of the car to get into? The habit forming part of the brain has to be adjusted and so we have to pay more attention until it becomes part of our habits. Anyone that has travelled knows the shock when we find ourselves driving on the wrong side of the road or opening the wrong car door.

When we are in a relationship we can be affected by two lots of change, ours & our partner’s - double trouble! We may be rolling along smoothly in our own life but then our partner hits some bumps and we are affected too, because of our shared lives & interests. Even if you are feeling happy & full of life, a partner may wake up feeling depressed and you will be affected in some way.

It seems we just can’t escape change. The Chinese Book of Changes, the I Ching, says that the only thing that is constant in life is change. But that doesn’t change the fact that it costs us. Change can seem positive or negative but either costs us in energy and creates stress. The main outcome of change is awareness, it wakes us out of the zombie state from the habit part of the brain.

I have found it helpful to see change as an opportunity. Opportunity opens up our minds to other possibilities and keeps us awake and in our relationships this is very important. Otherwise we start to take for granted the people in our lives, when we look at the world through that numbed and automatic part of our brains. We lose interest in our partners and in our relationships when we have fallen into that habitual mind. Better to make sure that we introduce positive change into our relationship rather than become the victim of catastrophic change. Consciousness is the best foundation for successful relationships!

This week brought a wonderful & redemptive change to the world, when President Bush publicly presented HH the Dalai Lama. This was a wonderful move forward for the Tibetan cause & for freedom in the world. Here is a funny video about the exchange.

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AstraMatch blog is promoting Blog Action Day by encouraging environmentally friendly relationships and healthy couple matches! The word environment means the circumstances or conditions that surround one; surroundings. The outer environment has been the main focus for rebuilding balance and eco friendly attention. However the inner environment, or our own human psyches, is even more important as this is where all the dis-harmony & lack of balance starts. Our relationships are the first external manifestation of abuse or health.

The happier that human beans are together in relationships, then the happier they are on the planet, the less fighting, aggression, hatred & war. This type of negativity affects the physical environment directly & indirectly. We often forget that humans are part of the natural environment that is being threatened. We are the caretakers of the planet & of ourselves as part of the natural environment. Save a relationship!

I have added a couple of quotes from teachers of mine, great men who have contributed to creating environmentally friendly relationships.

Carl Jung said that

‘One looks back with appreciation to the brilliant teachers, but with gratitude to those who touched our human feelings. The curriculum is so much necessary raw material, but warmth is the vital element for the growing plant and for the soul of the child.’

If we treat each other with respect and love then we immediately create a wonderful environment wherever we are! As HH the Dalai Lama says:

‘If any individual is compassionate and altruistic, wherever that person moves, he or she will immediately make friends. And when that person faces tragedy, there will be plenty of people who will come to help.‘

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