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Having spent a couple of weeks on holiday with my friend and her kids, it is still fresh in my consciousness about how children are, i.e. usually spontaneous! Everything is lived in the moment and how they feel is expressed readily and usually without any filters, as any worn out parent will tell you!  Becoming adult seems like a long, boring process of removing ourselves from our spontaneous feelings. So many of us walk around not really knowing what the truth is for us emotionally.

This leaves us vulnerable in our relationships, because it is this part of ourselves that we take into the fray and need to rely on when we relate with another. I remember a Jungian analyst teacher of mine telling me years ago, that its like having 4 people in a relationship and so the dynamics can be very complex. This explains all those difficulties we have in our relationships:

Adult 1 relating to Inner Child 2

Adult 2 relating to Inner Child 1

Inner Child 1 relating to Inner Child 2

Adult 1 relating to Adult 2 (usually the most positive & less painful of the combinations!)

If we use some sort of personal development to develop a bond with our Inner Child, this then opens us to feeling more empowered when relating.  For then we can translate our own behavior to others, understand what we really want and generally be happier little adults in our relationships. Unfortunately when we love someone these little blighters within us tend to get activated and they can then take us on a merry chase with the only focus being to get what they want! Oh, that is the other thing it is all about ME, when the Inner Child is in the driver’s seat of our consciousness. Unfortunately that is not so helpful when we are meant to be sharing our life adventure with someone else?  Important then to share the ride with this part of ourself (even get a kiddie seat complete with belt to make sure they stay put when told!)  And make sure the Adult you is in control. This learned ability to share with a part of self which is often thought of as somewhat of an inner nuisance, then models this behavior when we have to share with another outer adult in Love or relationship!

However McDonalds is probably the last place to go to further this personal development?

Copyright © July 29, 2007 Pemo Theodore

I am on holiday with my good friend from Oz who is currently based in Paris. We are in Provence near a little town called Cavaillon. She has 3 small children & it is a real learning experience to be around kids again! I feel as if walking through a door that I had left

centuries ago.

Children are interesting to observe and to identify where our behavior as adults stems from particularly in how they relate to each other. We met up with another family the other day and the two groups of children (who had not seen each other for a few years and are too young to really remember), circled each other for the first 30 minutes. They stayed close to adults who they knew, as they evaluated the ‘other’ children. Whilst in that ‘adult safe zone’ they slowly reconnected with their mates and soon were up & off playing in the ‘kid fun zone’.

When we meet new people or those we don’t know well, we all have ways to keep some comfort, safety & protection around us, until we have made a connection and can feel comfortable with each other. We need to find where & how we can meet & connect and we may hedge around through conversation or ritual until we both land on some common ground. For both parties to walk out on the bridge of the unknown to connect with another requires courage, which is often unacknowledged as adults. We walk and talk with our invisible insecurities and fears as we try to find ‘the other’.

Copyright © July 20, 2007 Pemo Theodore

Yesterday I happened by accident to watch on TV the wonderful 1993 movie ‘The Secret Garden’ with Maggie Smith. I was delighted because, although a long time ago, this had been my favorite book as a child. Although the movie has slightly differed in a few ways from the book ,it was delightful to watch. I had always thought it was just a great book for children because it spoke about a beautiful hidden secret garden to which the children in the story could escape & find solace. Don’t we all look for that now in our crazy, busy lives?

Further flashes of insight happened for me this time, not just about myself as a child, but also about good relationships and their power of healing. In both the book & the movie, the children suffer in different ways & for different reasons from a lack of care and attention from their parents. These are our first relationships where we lay the foundation for our adult relationships. And in this story they find healing both emotional & physical through relationship with kind children and ultimately with each other and also by regenerating and playing in the garden along with the animals.

‘Martha, a Yorkshire girl working as a maid, and her brother Dickon, a boy who can talk to animals, befriend and help her to heal and grow. She discovers her deceased aunt’s secret garden, which has been locked for ten years and enlists Dickon to help her bring it to life.’

Some people may feel that psychological damage or lack of love from a parent can damage a child and therefore an adult irretrievably. In fact we often get dragged back to our ‘inner child’ in our adult life in emotionally difficult or challenging situations. The message in this story is that healing can come through forming relationships with others who are kind & know how to love. These of course could be anyone who is in contact with you as a child i.e. extended family, friends or teachers. In my own experience my maternal grandmother and later a teacher at high school extended their care & kindness to me. As a result of these two major relationships I feel that I was able to love and form relationships. I also learnt quite a lot of skills as an adult that have served in making relationships work more effectively.

As long as there is an experience of Love at some point in a child’s life then that is a basis for healing. In the natural world anything that we bestow with attention and nourishment thrives no matter what it has suffered previously. This is the subtle foundation of therapy, coaching and counseling relationships where we can reinvent ourselves in a positive frame through the care & attention that we receive in these professional relationships. The natural world also brings a sense of balance, equilibrium and redemption back to a damaged soul. The garden in this story is an image of the soul that appears dead and slowly comes back to life with care and attention and wisdom. Just by being in nature for a short period and becoming attuned to natural cycles and animals can bring a sense of connection that virtual reality misses.

The word secret comes from the Latin word secretus “set apart, withdrawn, hidden” and ‘The Secret Garden’ implies that we all need a place to retreat to within ourselves to recover and heal from life & challenges, whether that is a physical place or just time spent by oneself. Life happens and we sometimes need to repair the damage! Simple wisdom really and often missed in our complex virtual lives. Kindness and Love can change the color of our day and all those who we relate with.

Copyright © July 1, 2007 Pemo Theodore