moving from virtual to real

I am fascinated with the shift when we meet people for real, with whom we originally connected with virtually. By virtual, I include the phone along with the web. Of course this is what the online dating sites have been struggling with for years – how to make that shift less traumatic and disappointing? I have found from past experiences myself, that a lot of interest and excitement can be generated in connecting with certain people online and on the phone. However when we meet, there is a shift to another level that has not been addressed virtually. Of course the odds are stacked against these levels matching the real, live experience of another or at the very least, offering real potential of connection. If virtual operates through the mind, then we have a lot to catch up with on other levels, when we meeting for real. Often real-ationships have to be reworked from the virtual or in some cases abandoned altogether.

The word virtual used to mean “influencing by physical virtues or capabilities,” from M.L. virtualis, from L. virtus “excellence, potency, efficacy,” lit. “manliness, manhood”. The meaning of “being something in essence or fact, though not in name” is first recorded 1654, probably via sense of “capable of producing a certain effect” (1432). Computer sense of “not physically existing but made to appear by software” is attested from 1959.
The word real however seems to have always meant “relating to things” (esp. property), from O.Fr. reel, from L.L. realisres “matter, thing,” of unknown origin. Meaning “genuine” is recorded from 1559; that of “actually existing” is attested from 1597; sense of “unaffected, no-nonsense” is from 1847. “actual,” from L.

I found an interesting post with scanned photos of the brain, that indicates that the brain can differentiate between virtual people and real people.
Eide Neurolearning Blog: Virtual vs. Real People? The Brain Can Tell

virtual real brain

So the question is can the brain tell between our virtual-ationships and our real-ationships? Not being a brain expert, I cannot answer that. However my thought is whether it can or not, that our bodies and feelings have to catch up when we meet live. In our technological age, these most important parts are often left behind with disastrous effects to our happiness & fulfillment. This is obviously where our physical and feeling experience is centered and from where we can experience the jubilation, chemistry or disappointment when traversing the gap between virtual to real-ationship.

It helps to have a bridge, or at the very least a map, to help cross this passage and compatibility profiling is one way of covering that territory. They are usually based on identifying the individual’s values, psychology and/or temperament and matching that against others. However this is subject to honest input, can take ages to complete, can be subject to misinterpretation by both parties & ultimately is based on the foundation ideas inherent in each system. One of the best tools that I have found is by looking at the astrology of relationships or the composite chart. It seems that relationships have a life of their own and we get to taste that when together. The compatibility profiling systems have no way of identifying the subtle nuances and complexities of the third entity, the relationship, that exists when 2 come together. It is important to understand and prepare our minds about this dimension before and during our real-ating to bring us up to speed. When converting from virtual to real most people immediately know through some innate, instinctual wisdom whether this conversion can work for both parties and we can build on our intial investment of virtual-ationship. Why not be prepared & reduce the cost of disappointment or rejection?

Obviously if the culture around you is indirect, then there is a stronger drive to keep the context in the real experience rather than the virtual. I lived and had my business in Ireland for 6 years and found that most people spurned the virtual in favor of the live when connecting with others, at least initially. A lot of information can be gained early in the piece about whether it can work for you, if you have already met physically. If your culture is indirect then the virtual level can’t really be trusted initially, as what you say is not what is happening for real & so less trusted in & of itself! The Irish having been suppressed for 120 years by the English in Ireland, had to learn hidden & secret ways of connecting amongst themselves without the truth emerging, whilst under the watchful eyes of English rules & regulations. Obviously culturally old habits die hard too!

Globally now we seem to be starting with virtual and then find ourselves moving to real-ationships. So it can be helpful to have some maps, tools & information to make the transition easier & guide us on the way.

“Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” [Margery Williams, "The Velveteen Rabbit"]

Copyright © June 17, 2007 Pemo Theodore

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