how thick is your skin?
The other day I read an article called ‘Study may explain roots of empathy’ which made me think about how close we should be with people or not? CHICAGO (Reuters) – ‘When people say “I feel your pain,” they do not mean it literally, but certain people really do feel something that appears to be an extreme form of empathy, British researchers said on Sunday.’
It prompted me to contact the psychologist in charge of the study, to tell him that many years ago when working as a therapist in Melbourne, Australia with men who were dying of AIDS, I developed a mirror like ability to sense in my own body emotional changes or feeling currents in my clients. This was a great help in identifying where they where emotionally and what feelings they were going through inside themselves at a time when they could hardly move or speak, sometimes couldn’t see (from the opportunistic cmv virus) and had not much energy left for the outside world. Simply explained if they were heartbroken, my chest hurt and if they were struggling to express themselves, my throat tingled. I would always check this out with them, to see what the sensation was about & they confirmed my experience, either through an emotional release or by acknowledgment. As I am very comfortable with the feeling level & relationships, it seemed a natural path to further support my clients. Of course I have developed great trust in this faculty and have continued to use this kinesthetic quality in my relationship coaching work and also more personally when someone close to me is struggling emotionally.
We all have this propensity or sensitivity, some stronger than others but the innate potential on the subtle level is within us all, obviously flavored by our own individual strengths. Survival, a desire to help others or compassion (bodhicitta in Buddhist terms) can heighten & focus us, so that this is more consciously developed. However it is so…. important that we have an emotional & physical skin or immune system because otherwise we would be inundated by other people’s illnesses along with their experiences, as this study suggests & their feelings as I am suggesting. This seems particularly important as regards those close to us because otherwise we could become totally confused or at the extreme end mad. It is important to know who I am, where I finish & where you begin and then when we have a healthy understanding or a lifetime experience, as with myself , then it is easier to identify other people’s stuff! These days its called boundary keeping!
Skin is the largest & most important organ in our bodies. Without it we would have no protection and besides that everything that makes us up would fall out all over the place! The same is true for the immune system which is a collection of systems that protects us from infectious agents that could cause harm to the body.
Once we have some skin both physically & emotionally and we are conscious of who we are, then we can choose what we let in, how we deal with it and how we can support ourselves with this. Some of us have such a thick skin that it is hard to even realize others exist and others are so inundated due to their lack of skin to a point of disintegration of self.
I remember my father complaining on his death bed that he couldn’t experience anything, either physical or emotional pain without my mother feeling it too and it drove him crazy. He would have to hide both physically & emotionally to protect his experience from her, and this is a good example of how damaging this experience can be for both parties in a relationship. In fact this was the foundation of most arguments in my parent’s stormy marriage. My mother suffers from a chronic lack of self esteem & confidence and as a result is very manipulative & finds it difficult to be alone. My father was desperate for alone time & introspection in a relationship that offered none without threat to my mother.
We are born in individual skins and we have responsibility for what’s inside those skins: physical, mental & emotional. If we are clear about who we are then when we relate & empathize with others we can serve the wonderful purpose of proving that none of us are alone. We can share suffering & its burdens and therefore make it more bearable by clarifying what is happening and the meaning of the experience which is the function of consciousness.
These days people are looking for soul mates where they are able to unite with another on ALL levels. Sometimes that yearning can be a desperate urge to escape oneself? And bottom line is that this can ultimately be distressing for both parties if the groundwork of their own individual personal development and self knowledge has not been done. In fact I would go so far as to say that this could be a large factor for breakdown of relationships & emotional despair these days.
I will leave you with a great Oz ad for Fosters about soul mates, hysterical……
Copyright © June 24, 2007 Pemo Theodore
