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The other day I read an article called ‘Study may explain roots of empathy’ which made me think about how close we should be with people or not? CHICAGO (Reuters) - ‘When people say “I feel your pain,” they do not mean it literally, but certain people really do feel something that appears to be an extreme form of empathy, British researchers said on Sunday.’

It prompted me to email the psychologist in charge of the study to tell him that many years ago when working as a therapist in Melbourne, Australia with men who were dying of AIDS, I developed a mirror like ability to sense in my own body emotional changes or feeling currents in my clients. This was a great help in identifying where they where emotionally and what feelings they were going through inside themselves at a time when they could hardly move or speak, sometimes couldn’t see (from the opportunistic CMV virus) and had not much energy left for the outside world. Simply explained if they were heartbroken, my chest hurt and if they were struggling to express themselves, my throat tingled. I would always check this out with them, to see what the sensation was about & they confirmed my experience, either through an emotional release or by acknowledgment. As my strength is the feeling level & relationships it seemed a natural path to further support my clients. Of course I have developed great trust in this faculty and have continued to use this sensitivity in my relationship coaching work and also more personally when someone close to me is struggling emotionally.

We all have this propensity or sensitivity, some stronger than others but the innate potential on the subtle level is within us all, obviously flavored by our own individual strengths. Survival, a desire to help others or compassion (bodhicitta in Buddhist terms) can heighten & focus us, so that this is more consciously developed. However it is so…. important that we have an emotional & physical skin or immune system because otherwise we would be inundated by other people’s illnesses along with their experiences, as this study suggests & their feelings as I am suggesting. This seems particularly important as regards those close to us because otherwise we could become totally confused or at the extreme end mad. It is important to know who I am, where I finish & where you begin and then when we have a healthy understanding or a lifetime experience, as with myself , then it is easier to identify other people’s stuff! These days its called boundary keeping!

Skin is the largest & most important organ in our bodies. Without it we would have no protection and besides that everything that makes us up would fall out all over the place! The same is true for the immune system which is a collection of systems that protects us from infectious agents that could cause harm to the body.

Once we have some skin both physically & emotionally and we are conscious of who we are, then we can choose what we let in, how we deal with it and how we can support ourselves with this. Some of us have such a thick skin that it is hard to even realise others exist and others are so inundated due to their lack of skin to a point of disintegration of self.

I remember my father complaining on his death bed that he couldn’t experience anything, either physical or emotional pain without my mother feeling it too and it drove him crazy. He would have to hide both physically & emotionally to protect his experience from her, and this is a good example of how damaging this experience can be for both parties in a relationship. In fact this was the foundation of most arguments in my parent’s stormy marriage. My mother suffers from a chronic lack of self esteem & confidence and as a result is very manipulative & finds it difficult to be alone. My father was desperate for alone time & introspection in a relationship that offered none without threat to my mother.

We are born in individual skins and we have responsibility for what’s inside those skins: physical, mental & emotional. If we are clear about who we are then when we relate & empathize with others we can serve the wonderful purpose of proving that none of us are alone. We can share suffering & its burdens and therefore make it more bearable by clarifying what is happening and the meaning of the experience which is the function of consciousness.

These days people are looking for soul mates where they are able to unite with another on ALL levels. Sometimes that yearning can be a desperate urge to escape oneself? And bottom line is that this can ultimately be distressing for both parties if the groundwork of their own individual personal development and self knowledge has not been done. In fact I would go so far as to say that this could be a large factor for breakdown of relationships & emotional despair these days.

This is a great ad about soul mates from Australia!

Copyright © June 24, 2007 Pemo Theodore

I am fascinated with the shift when we meet people for real with whom we originally connected with virtually. By virtual, I include the phone along with the web. Of course this is what the internet dating sites have been struggling with for years - how to make that shift less traumatic and disappointing. I have found from past experiences myself, that a lot of interest and excitement can be generated in connecting with certain people online and on the phone. However when we meet, there is a shift to another level that has not addressed virtually. Of course the odds are stacked against these levels matching the real, live experience of another or at the very least offering real potential of connection. If virtual is operated through the mind, then we have a lot to catch up with on other levels, when meeting live. Often real-ationships have to be reworked from the virtual or in some cases abandoned altogether.

The word virtual used to mean “influencing by physical virtues or capabilities,” from M.L. virtualis, from L. virtus “excellence, potency, efficacy,” lit. “manliness, manhood”. The meaning of “being something in essence or fact, though not in name” is first recorded 1654, probably via sense of “capable of producing a certain effect” (1432). Computer sense of “not physically existing but made to appear by software” is attested from 1959.
The word real however seems to have always meant “relating to things” (esp. property), from O.Fr. reel, from L.L. realisres “matter, thing,” of unknown origin. Meaning “genuine” is recorded from 1559; that of “actually existing” is attested from 1597; sense of “unaffected, no-nonsense” is from 1847. “actual,” from L.

I found an interesting post with scanned fotos of the brain, that indicates that the brain can differentiate between virtual people and real people.
Eide Neurolearning Blog: Virtual vs. Real People? The Brain Can Tell

So the question is can the brain tell between our virtual-ationships and our real-ationships? Not being a brain expert, I cannot answer that. However my thought is whether it can or not, that our bodies and feelings have to catch up when we meet live. In our technological age, these most important parts are often left behind with disastrous effects to our happiness & fulfillment. This is obviously where our physical and feeling experience is centered and from where we can experience the jubilation, chemistry or disappointment when traversing the gap between virtual to real-ationship.

It helps to have a bridge or at the very least a map to help cross this passage and compatibility profiling is one way of covering that territory. These are usually based on identifying the individual’s values, psychology and/or temperament and matching that against others. However this is subject to honest input, can take ages to complete, can be subject to misinterpretation by both parties & ultimately is based on the foundation ideas inherent in each system. One of the best tools that I have found is by looking at the astrology of relationships or the composite chart. It seems that relationships have a life of their own and we get to taste that when together. The compatibility profiling systems have no way of identifying the subtle nuances and complexities of the third entity, the relationship, that exists when 2 come together. It is important to understand and prepare our minds about this dimension before and during our real-ating to bring us up to speed. When converting from virtual to real most people immediately know through some innate, instinctual wisdom whether this conversion can work for both parties and we can build on our intial investment of virtual-ationship. Why not be prepared & reduce the cost of disappointment or rejection?

Obviously if the culture around you is indirect then there is a stronger drive to keep the context in the real experience rather than the virtual. I lived and had my business in Ireland for 6 years and found that most people spurned the virtual in favor of the live in connecting with others, at least initially. A lot of information can be gained early in the piece about whether it can work for you, if you have already met physically. If your culture is indirect then the virtual level can’t really be trusted initially, as what you say is not what is happening for real & so less trusted in & of itself! The Irish having been suppressed for 120 years by the English in Ireland, had to learn hidden & secret ways of connecting amongst themselves without the truth emerging, whilst under the watchful eyes of English rules & regulations. Obviously culturally old habits die hard too!

Globally now we seem to be starting with virtual and then find ourselves moving to real-ationships. So it can be helpful to have some maps, tools & information to make the transition easier & guide us on the way.

“Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” [Margery Williams, "The Velveteen Rabbit"]

Copyright © June 17, 2007 Pemo Theodore

I sometimes wonder if anyone ever really knows another person? We are all such complex diamonds with so… many faces. We may show one or a few faces to each person but it is hard to show all to one person. It sometimes takes a lifetime to see our own faces, let alone another’s. Maybe it is just in our private moments that we really appear in a pure unadulterated state?

Jungian psychology is a great model and brings meaning to difficult or challenging life conditions along with understanding of self and others. Jung’s theory of projection is in particular very enlightening - like a movie projector we project our unlived, unknown or unconscious faces onto others who we either love or hate depending on how we feel about the face! We are all carrying around our own personal dvd & mp3 players and switch channels when interacting with others? Of course it can get pretty noisy and chaotic when a few of us get together. How do you hear what someone is really saying above the din of all these movies? How do you see the essence or soul of another amidst our flashing light shows? Sometimes you just wanna tell the person next to you on the Tube that their headphones don’t work anymore (obviously no-one’s told them and they go on blissfully unaware that we all get to share their love for heavy metal or wotever?)

In my own case it has always been hard to differentiate my own virtual reality with others’. I remember when I met my ex-husband in my early twenties, I was reading a book about Vincent van Gogh’s life. It was a great read & escape at a time when I was weary from traveling overland through Asia and living very basically on the ‘hippy route’. Further on in time we married, I started waking from my nap the day of the wedding & wondered who in the hell he was? Needless to say that when I managed to get glimpses of who he was, (as I gather that is all that is really possible), I didn’t like him much & I certainly didn’t want to share a life with him.

Looking back on it from all these years, maybe I projected the creative me onto him which was obviously stirring through the read about Vincent? Boy you gotta love those paintings of Vincent’s, particularly the courageous & bold use of color & communication of his feelings! And yes at the time my ex was a very good artist in his own fashion and I thought that I wasn’t creative at all? So it seems yet again its all about me, moi!!!!

Great thing about life experience is that it knocks all the bullshit out of you (….. along with the stuffing & the wind!) I may not be a painting type of artist but I discovered down the way through life challenges that I have another type of creativity. I now consider myself a people artist & I do have a wonderful way with words and people. I love color, communication, investigating mystery & adventure. All the requisites for intrepid research and learning about relationships as understanding people offer all those in abundance! And yes from this perspective, my life has been just one long ‘Starry, starry night!’

Copyright © June 10, 2007 Pemo Theodore

beginnings are always challenging…. waiting to see what the new birth looks like???? I discovered the writer within, only 3 years ago and am filled with joy every time I put finger to keyboard now. But that still doesn’t diminish the excitement tinged with fear when the words come tumbling out onto the screen. Will they make sense & most of all will they bring meaning & profundity with them??? (As you can see I have high demands & expectations of my words!) This is my first post in my weblog as I have finally made the time in my busy life to start this process, creating sacred territory for this my first outpouring.

I have fought being a ‘relationship expert’ most of my life, although other people kept putting me in that niche. The beginning of my ‘expert status’ started when very young: the eldest of 4 girls and my father was an airline pilot with Qantas so hardly ever home & after all those long hauls - he spent most of his time in recovery anyway when he returned. My mother was mostly in an ‘unable to cope’ state and so I grew up to be quite wise starting at the grand old age of 3. She would talk to me about her issues with my siblings & father & I had to give her support. My father had a great interest in psychology & people which I obviously inherited from him. He gave me a book ‘Games People Play’ by Eric Berne when I was not even a teenager. I developed my skills & awarenesses so I had something to talk to him about when he was available. Any realizations of my own were greeted with much desired attention & acknowledgment from him so I strained to develop in that area.

It was like being an invisible 3rd person in these relationships because these relationships were not about me but about them. I was the observer and so more able to stay awake, as often relationships trigger our unconscious bags of tricks and so often it is difficult to understand what is happening and why we are not having fun. I have discovered since those early days that a 3rd person can be somewhat like a light in the darkness & general murkiness of relationships. So I shone brightly to survive my family and now it is second nature to shine light on unseen, unknown and misunderstood matters especially as it refers to relationships between others.

As an adult I am still fascinated by trying to understand how & why relationships between people work or don’t! Many people have benefited from my focus & research both personally and through my careers in the past. At this point in my life, due to a few years of ill health, I am using the written word as my foundation. In those early years, I can remember saying to my mother that the best solution in those critical relationships was Love! Where did I get that from??? Who knows, but a child’s wisdom can often be closer to truth than the tried & true adult version!

Now I remember the advice of the child within but in the mix are also my foundation of Jungian psychology, relationship coaching tools, astrological background and more importantly my experience of 55 years relating with people all over the world. Even with all those years of learning & focus I still find that there is a mysterious component, possibly some magic, at work in relationships & in me and of course I am trying to track & pin it down!

Copyright © June 3, 2007 Pemo Theodore