The boundaries of where one thing finishes and another thing starts are endings and beginnings respectively. On some level they just identify the outskirts of one thing and another and we like to call them different names. Today we are all coming to the end of a calendar year and the beginning of another. Some of us may also find ourselves involved in endings & beginnings in relationships and other assorted human activities. I call it ‘transitioning’, just like vacationing but possibly a little more challenging! What is most difficult for the majority of us is letting go of one thing and waiting or jumping into the next thing. Then again there are some of us who leap easily and forget about the past readily. There is a middle path somewhere between the two, knowing that the flow of movement and change are part of our human lot and that if things remain the same they are also liable to become stagnant i.e. lose their life & smell pretty bad (just like stagnant water)!

I think the most important thing to remember when we are transitioning in relationships is that life is just trying to happen. We are continually birthing ourselves and our lives and it is necessary to allow endings & then of course beginnings. It is important not to go into denial or over-dramatize over them. Endings are the final edge of something and beginnings are the starting edge of something else. Sometimes there seems like a gap in the middle which is the transition! Sometimes too an ending can last a little while and also a beginning and so transitioning can cover a large chunk of time & space.
It is only our resistance to change & our denial that causes pain! There is grief for our losses when transitioning and there is also excitement at times, for another adventure is starting.

The maintenance work of transitioning consists of:

1. Let go of the well known past – expressing or sitting with grief is one of the best things to help in this process of movement. Even if something has been difficult, we will still have some grief or relief as we let go. Sometimes anger is the only feeling we can contact – just allow that & investigate what lies beneath the anger.
2. Take some time out – step off the hamster’s wheel for a little! This could be as short as one day or as long as one year or possibly even longer. We all have our own personal timing and also it is dependent on what is ending. This will speed the process as we return to ourselves and start to listen to what is important for us in this process. (Many years ago I very naively thought I would get through the breakup of my marriage in a very short period of time due the difficulties I experienced with my ex-husband. Wrong – it was a good 5 years in the final analysis before I felt that I was well & truly through that ending! My beginning of raising 3 small children by myself could have contributed to this lengthy transitioning & my incorrect estimation?)
3. As soon as possible start looking for the opportunities that exist even in the transitioning. What you are seeing are the possibilities and new doors that are opening in the beginning of something else. Let some excitement bubble up into your transitioning state – it will get you going & rev you up!
4. Envision what you want in your beginning, even as you let go & bless the ending. You can create this beginning from a truer place in yourself. Each ending helps us know ourselves and our true needs better.
5. Be kind – compassion starts at home! The kinder you are to yourself the easier it will be to let go, as you will be more in touch with the feelings of grief. Kindness also encourages us to support ourselves as we discover the new. We won’t expect inhuman results as we play with the beginning we are now entering.
6. Talk to those who care about what is happening to us. It is important so they can express their love & support; so they won’t worry and so they are assured you are handling your transitioning well! Warning however: try not to talk too much about the process – it may bore others & it may lessen the vital energy that is always present in transitioning. It is important that you keep this energy for yourself. Just as a baby feels it’s separation from the womb at birth, on some level we too are alone in our transitioning. It can truly feel that it’s all about me for a while!
7. Last but not least have a good laugh & celebrate when you are ready!

Happy New Year to all & may the planet transition into peace!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8lq-4UDFHg[/youtube]

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are we better or worse if we stay in relationships or marriages, for 'better or worse'? The great benefit about commitment to another person, is that we feel safe enough to expose more vulnerable aspects of ourselves. This benefits a couple because that allows for more intimacy between the two people. That is the heart of a good relationship!

However we are also easily lulled into a dull consciousness borne of habit & familiarity. The longer the relationship continues the more liable it is for this to happen. The stronger the sense of comfort and security, then the duller & deeper the slip into unconsciousness. We stop seeing our partner & worse still we stop connecting to ourselves, not wanting to rock the boat, so to speak. It may take an effort of will and attention to stay awake.

Rather than making a commitment to each other for better or worse, we have a responsibility to ourselves & our partner, to make a commitment to stay awake! How do we stay awake when everything is veering towards sleep? A good method is to check in with yourself every day, whether through meditation or creative pursuits. The next step is to check in with each other regularly (more than once a week), to ensure you both know what is going on! This must extend beyond what you had for breakfast & how the work day went. After these updates, it is important to consciously incorporate positive change or movement in the relationship based on the information gathered from both parties.

Life sometimes awakens us from these relating slumbers with events that appear to come from outside of us. And sometimes a partner will awaken before the other. At these times it is the responsibility of whoever is affected to share what is happening for them with their partner. If this antidote is applied quick enough, it can forestall an end or crisis to the relationship, through bringing in another partner or love interest.

Commitment is about aligning ourselves and each other with our values & the ever changing vistas of our horizons. If we are vigilant about this awareness whilst enjoying our relationship & our life, then worse can become better.

I leave you with a great comedy sketch about getting married....

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKgxwW1UBo0[/youtube]

having never looked like Barbie, I always wondered what it would be like to be known as a 'beauty'. It seems that most of the standards we have about beauty are hard calls for most of us, but we keep trying, no matter how sane we are???? What is that about??? When I was at high school, I was chosen to be best friends with the most popular & generally acclaimed 'beautiful' girl. She was renown at our school because she had even done a few ads for TV. And I figured that I must have been no competition for her, so pretty safe, cause I was what my mother termed an 'ugly duckling'! I guess I listened to all her exploits cause I didn't have any & I gained a side popularity with all the boys, cause they wanted to know stuff about her. We had a bit of a bust up before we finished high school because she got pregnant & had an abortion, all without telling me. She said later that I was too naive & couldn't have taken it! Needless to say we never really patched the friendship up again, as I got to finally see how I looked through her eyes & that she had been having a friendship with me but watching what she told me - it doesn't breed a lot of trust, at least from my side! I like the one liner below, it says a lot!

'If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?' Stephen Wright

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="240" caption="beauty in the eye of the beholder"][/caption]

So I went through all the usual punishment that we did in the 60's to look beautiful, including sitting under a hair dryer and even got burnt ears as a consolation prize. I was a slow developer as regards boys (yes I agree with my friend - a little naive). I had swallowed my mother's throw away comment that I was an ugly duckling to heart & so was walking around thinking I was ugly???? Looking at photos of myself as a teenager, I think that this comment kept me from seeing that I was attractive in my own individual way and in valuing some of the great things about myself. I guess it was my mother's way of keeping me from ever being competition with her. And so I lacked any confidence, just like she did, in my own beauty, both inner or outer.

And that is the point, beauty can really & truly come from within, from a confidence in the beauty of who we know we are. The point about beauty is that it hooks onto a person's values. So if I hold humor to be of high value, I can think someone that is really funny as the most beautiful thing in the Universe! If someone holds blond hair to be of high value, then they will find blonds beautiful (with some disclaimers obviously) and maybe not find brunettes or redheads beautiful. That's how it goes really, simple as that! So you could be jumping through a lot of hoops, if you are looking to be beautiful with each person you meet as a result of their differing standards & values. Just because I value humor doesn't mean that humor is the new look for everyone, it's just for me. Somehow certain trends come out of the collective unconscious & become popular with the general populace, such as thin & then they can stick around for a while. Instead of thinking that this may be a raw opposite reaction to our general collective over-indulgence in just about everything, some young girls try to starve themselves to death in the pursuit of this beauty ideal. At least in my day, hair dryers & burnt ears were the only costs to our pursuit of beauty.

My point is that beauty is a pretty personal thing & also a cultural thing - fat is considered something to strive for in some countries whereas thin is what the West is our standard. Some of us hit the mark, having similar requirements for the current beauty trend & some of us miss out! I was skinny as a rake & tall for a girl when I was in puberty, no matter how much I ate & believe me I ate! Then the Collective decided that Jean Shrimp 'The Shrimp' & 'Twiggy' were the 60's standard of beauty. Wasn't I pleased, no more stuffing padding into bras that never really fitted! I was naturally tall & thin & in some way I was like what some were striving for at the time. Big deal, it didn't do much for me at the time really - it gave me nothing of substance. So in retrospect & with the wisdom of age, I say play with beauty trends but never take them too seriously - things go in & out of fashion at a moment's notice or with the changing planetary configurations. An example, David Bowie who had dressed outrageously for a guy for years suddenly started wearing suits when Neptune (the planet that rules trends & fashion) went from Sagittarius (ruling free spirit) into Capricorn (which rules business & straight lines & structure).

I will leave you with this funny ad which leaves room for thought:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHX2mvFVQMs[/youtube]

I've always believed that communication (which of course entails listening as well as talking), is like the rope bridge that bridges the gap between people. This brings us into relationship with each other. However I happened to read a Harvard Business Review the other day and focused on an interview with psychologist John M. Gottman called 'Making Relationships Work'.

What really got my interest was that he said 'Good relationships aren't about clear communication - they're about small moments of attachment and intimacy.'  Gottman is the executive director of the Relationship Research Institute or as it is commonly called the 'Love Lab'. He apparently has done heaps of scientific research on couples and this has what has brought him to this conclusion.

I have to say that I disagree with him. I have found with clients and friends that communication is the thing that keeps a relationship functioning even through tough times. Most clients who come to me after having broken up with a partner or in the process of breaking up with a partner are usually not communicating with their partner. I have seen other couples who keep communicating in spite of difficulties and who are able to move through that phase. If there is no communication, then 'small moments of attachment and intimacy' cannot occur. I guess it's a matter of what comes first the chicken or the egg? i.e., the communication or the small moments of attachment & intimacy?

Communication of course consists of listening, along with assertive talking and are required skills for relationship 101. These skills do not come naturally but require a little education. You can read a little about these skills and get some training in them from someone who is already skilled in them. I figure if everyone had these skills then we wouldn't have anymore wars, as we could all work things out with each other. Even the politicians!

Once you have a handle on these skills, they only require commitment to using them. The bonus of using them is that your confidence increases on every use. You will feel confident about handling almost any interaction with others. Of course the reality is that most communication is a bit like the YouTube video following called 'Smoke Screen'. We are not clear ourselves in what we are saying & we don't listen carefully to the other person. This contributes to general confusion and a sense of living in our own version of reality whilst appearing to be in a 'coupled reality.'

Here's a great video called 'Smokescreen' that evokes how we don't really communicate with each other.  Enjoy......

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdUh1oG-N_I[/youtube]

Apologies for not posting last week, I have been ill and the computer was technologically challenged so that I was not able to use it for most of the week.

Hope you enjoy this post which has been doing the rounds of the Internet, hysterical! Thanks to Flickr for funny kid's photos!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

• You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

• No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.  God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

• Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

• You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

• Both don't want any more kids.-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

• Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

• On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

• I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

• When they're rich. - - Pam, age 7

• The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7

• The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

• It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

• There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

• Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10

As a crowning glory check out this funny video from You Tube with some hysterical kids in action!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iOTagBUea0[/youtube]