unfortunately some people exude toxicity i.e., negativity in huge buckets (my interpretation) and sometimes when we are with them we can pick up leakage or spillage, deliberate or not. Toxic is an interesting word & basically means poison originally from Latin ‘toxicus’ and has something to do with the poison used on arrows. (This brings the image of the penetration value of some toxic people!) If we care about someone and want to be with them or see them, then that negative poison seeps through the permeable membrane that exists between us. Our borders are down with someone we care about & so this negativity can affect us. I unwittingly fell victim to this during the week and it took me a few days to come back to myself. I guess unwittingly was the operative word, as if I had been rational I would have not ventured to this meeting.

"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste." David Bissonette

Our guard is often down with those we love & so we can be taken unaware by the absorption of negativity into our being. Of course if we are more vulnerable due to circumstances or mood, then this is more likely to occur. We can all be toxic at different times, if we allow negativity to control our minds & bodies. However some people choose (or feel they don’t have any choice due to lack of self awareness?) to be toxic most of the time. There is a summary of toxic types on Oprah’s website:

1. The Blamer
2. The Drainer
3. The Shamer
4. The Discounter
5. The Gossip

These categories make sense to me and there is even a link to a questionnaire to identify how toxic your relationships may be?

"A considerable percentage of the people we meet on the street are people who are empty inside, that is, they are actually already dead. It is fortunate for us that we do not see and do not know it. If we knew what a number of people are actually dead and what a number of these dead people govern our lives, we should go mad with horror." George Gurdjieff

Of course it is important to clarify your boundaries in all relationships - both privately with yourself first & then later with the other person clearly & honestly. Moving to the second piece of this equation means taking a lot of responsibility & also courage to assert yourself. And sometimes either due to circumstances or type of relationship this may not even be possible. So in the first instance what can be done so that we are not burdened by unwanted toxicity in our relationship environment? You may just need to take some time out or remove yourself entirely from the situation as toxicity spreads & you can easily be infected. Get outa there now!!!! A Tibetan lama said to me many years ago that people will tend to effect you rather than you effecting them so it is always helpful to be with people that are like-minded & positive. Of course there are remarkable people amongst us who can work amongst great negativity & remain positive & helpful to others. I am obviously very unremarkable? Main point of this post is that it is important that you don’t match up with someone who is from the other camp generally. If you enjoy being positive, stick with someone else who is heading the same direction. Those who prefer more toxic territory need to stick with someone else who can show them further vistas in that territory!

"Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world!" Wayne Dyer

To help wash yourself down after this post, I wanted to share a very funny Australian video presented by a toxic cane toad (who are honestly & slowly invading the Oz countryside). You may need to have a bit of knowledge about my homeland to really get the joke, it evokes everything that I love about the country (not)…….

are you settling for what you can get in the relationship stakes? I read an interesting post in MoreIntelligentLife.com by Adelle Waldman which was a review of Lori Gottlieb’s controversial article in The Atlantic called ‘Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough’ I have a strong reaction to settling for good enough as the costs can be huge for an individual when looking for relationships. Everyone has to identify their own priorities in values, of course, particularly when asking that question: to couple or not to couple??

"You don’t always get what you ask for, but you never get what you don’t ask for… unless it’s contagious!" Franklyn Broude

or are you holding out for what you really want in a relationship? Of course that means whilst you are looking you may fly solo and have to nurse your own wounds & provide your own company? The benefits however are:

• you can also develop incredible life skills
• you can use more of your own potential
• develop your friendships
• get support & company from your community, virtual or real
• you then become more of a treasure for you & that special someone to really appreciate!

“You can’t ask for what you want unless you know what it is. A lot of people don’t know what they want or they want much less than they deserve. First you have figure out what you want. Second, you have to decide that you deserve it. Third, you have to believe you can get it. And, fourth, you have to have the guts to ask for it." Barbara De Angelis

As everything starts on the inside and then manifests on the outside in reality, if you hold out for what you want then:

• you are also more likely to find what you want
• become a role model for others who settle for good enough & are dissatisfied with the results
• get a better understanding of yourself & your own needs